I- day one

l
A strip of lace I bought for the purpose of my ankles on the outers of someone else's leather shoes
From fabricland, debris
amongst other forgotten items which are awkward to throw away
in pondering wonder I considered wandering
idly along the path and
looking up in supposed surprise to salvation
breaking in a country mile smile that's been sat on a shelf with my dust and work things
oh how lovely it should be to share a bus journey or half mile walk

yet to dream of stretching saddleworth or rombalds is infinitely wondrous and sound
it is idle daywishing that led itself tumbling into my idea self
again on this path but since so
un-wished for
it's now getting late, and it's dark, and there's dark beneath my eyes
or it's scorching
raining
biting
and I'm holding one hand crossed over to fix over the lines upon the other, boney arm which sometimes tucks a flustered hair behind an earphoned ear that hears:
'why does the sun, go on shining?'
and
'who's in love with you now, I swear to god, I swear to god I am'
as I charge the pavement with the freight of my eyes
lids/tired guards
a walking depiction of what happens when you do not hold who loves you higher than regard
a walking 'what if'
what of her is her own?
lace I purchased two years ago for 'this charming man'
'this charming man' being something once recommended
recommendations from friends coming kindly
kindly, a big and strong 'No.' gets slumped onto my dinner plate
but the language of the body gives some disgusting hope

love I've learnt enough from to compare perhaps to the feeling of not giving your body enough
(you look at it in intense nostalgia
it is happiness
it makes you happy
you love all the songs you listened to when you were starving hungry and crouching in the shower trying to bring yourself towards a non existent release, pulled from the satiation of a lettuce head and 10g of puffed wheat with 80mls of unsweetened almond milk and a 2 hour bike ride in gnawing wind)
you love all the times you felt you were picking away at yourself as you wandered to school under scrutinising heat
you may think you hate it
but there's still absolute beauty in that time, and happiness within it
just as there's happiness here

but so much stronger- huge crashing exaltations of passion and surrender
hours spent wandering streets around someone else's house, needing that accidental bump-
going home and drinking into slumbers
all built up into the small and cordial greetings that tomorrow holds,
the heavy curtains woven with all of this emotion and all of the hours spent, to the oblivion
they are deep and burgundy and they pull open once again for two pale blue spotlights
to fix again on my show
'let me
entertain you'

 

Loel J. Bancroft