personal

Does your mind tare itself apart as you watch autumn leaves fall like mine?
Do you contemplate the meaning of love?
Do you understand that it's the journey that hurts and not love itself?
Is it normal to always be so internally conflicted... ?
Why don't I ask the questions of my self that normal people do?

Is normal just another word for sane?
If so is sanity just a statistical average?
And if so am I just crazy because I can't be a sheep ??
 … it feels too cheep, too clean, and unwise...

I know I'm a fool because I think too much...

Would anyone believe me if I said I'm a lesbian trapped, so trapped in this not a man's body...
   no, because on some level too many can relate, yet none really, I mean really feel it,
it's become too cleché... cut down in value by over use.

But they do not know what it's like to always consider others,
they don't know what it's like to always think and analyze everything.
They say I need to just relax and enjoy things without analyzing them...
They don't know what it's like to thoroughly enjoy 'over analyzing'
 People don't seem to get how it feels to be a male and just wish you could have beautiful makeup,
to really wish you could feel confident and sexy and fill out the dress you see on the rack...
 not like your own body ever could, but like it could if it was genetically a woman with your same basic build.
To truly wonder and explore in your minds eye what it must feel like to feel someone moving inside you.

To know that you'll never know or feel these things....
to wonder if,
just if ...
you were a girl would you still be attracted to women, or would you still be “straight”.... or if that part of you that could still fall in love with a man, but the idea of sex with him is simply not attractive in the slightest bit, while knowing that sex is such an important part of a relationship for you, would mean that maybe you'd be bi??
NO!
Not without so many words people would not believe me...
but nobody seems to have patience for so many words...

Why do I feel the need to use so many,
&&
why do people call them big words when they mean obscure words!?

Why do I feel guilty for feeling smarter than most, and how come I can't express that I also feel so dumb at the same time, and that I don't feel like I'm better than anyone else just because I feel smarter at times.
But I can't help but look at how everyone seems to say the people in general are stupid, yet they keep participating in this mass stupidity they all seem to understand, while I chose to live homeless and break more than half the rules...
I live a hard life because I refuse to...

They have to know I feel dumber at times too, they have to feel similar things.... they just seem so composed about it all, and thus I must be the week one... but why do they deny it when I speak of such internal tragedy.

 Maybe I am alone.

Yet sometimes I feel so confident and content with my masculinity, even in such a meek and meager body...
oh and sex as a man is oh so very amazing …
These thoughts are definitely not for kids, yet I've been haunted with them ever since I was one.

Why at 35 do I still struggle so hard with my identity as a person? Why can I never feel safe telling these things to a psychologist but I'm so brave with the general public? And why do I feel like people are so much better than me if they feel these things too, but they can stay composed about it and deny it yet at the same time I feel so much stronger than them because I'm unafraid to admit it. Why?

How can I feel so rapped, when I chose yes... I didn't know what it would be like, 11 was my first time, the emotion hurt so bad yet the sensation was addicting, and she was so beautiful and very attractive, and so ugly and so repelling. I hate mean people, I loved her so, even her spitefulness.

I don't know...
Don't get me wrong, I'm not absent of discretion, but I face it all, in the public eye, without respect for fear, but it's all so …

personal.