WALLS

WALLS

I'm not the girl you thought you knew
Different but even more so on the inside
Maybe it’s because I want to or maybe not
Why do I feel like I can’t tell you everything
But I already feel like you know and you don't

Because I get my hopes up for once
Just to be let down again
I should have known better

I did
But I didn’t listen
And I ended up hurt

But I couldn’t see the pain
Till they showed me
And it turned out fake
Or maybe they just didn’t tell the whole story
It seems that way

And I continue doing what i’m doing
Giving second chances
When all I want to do is run from this invisible nightmare
But sometimes second chances are like giving a person a second bullet for a gun because they missed you the first time

They say before you start a war you better know what you’re fighting for
And you’ve definitely given me so much worth fighting for
But the thing is
I know what it is I want
But if I win the war
I’ll lose everything else
And at times it is only crucial I win
Or not only will I lose the thing I need but everything else as well
So what would I rather sacrifice

I have so many things to say to you
And so many reasons not to

And now i’m helping you
With your problems
And your life

But I don’t mind
I’ll help you no matter what
As long as i’m still breathing
Because you living is what makes me
I need you to survive
I need you ok and happy
But I also need to be able to help you

Another layer put onto my walls
Another crack in the foundation
Another smile that I want to fake
And it’s scary what a smile can hide
But I can't
Because what you do to me
It’s real
And I need it, want it
I go out of my way for it
And now that’s just my normal

My heart and soul are like an unlocked gate that’s closed with a no trespassing sign
When you look at it you want to pass
Until you see what's on the other side
But you can't see far enough
To know what's really there

But still behind this smile
Is a story you would never understand
A story no one would understand

Before you I was different
I’ve opened up more with you
But not too much
So I guess I should thank you
That would be the right thing

But you caused me so much pain
Pain you didn’t even know you were causing
That’s my fault
For not telling you
For keeping it all inside
For no one to touch

But pain changes people
It makes them trust less
Overthink more
And shut people out
That’s what i’m doing

And the only cure for this pain
Is trust
Going both ways
And that’s incredibly hard
For someone who has learned to only trust themselves

So please be patient with me
Sometimes when i’m quiet
It’s because I need to figure myself out
Not because I don't want to talk
It’s just that sometimes
There are no words for my thoughts

I loved you that's true
But much more than you thought
I never stopped
I cared for you
I still do

I gave you so many chances
Did you see them and ignore them
Or were you blind to them

Why do I hide what’s on the inside
Why’s it so hard to love you but so easy all the same
You won't tell me everything
Or anything
But you tell the others

Little do you know i'm the one who really listens
Who really cares
Who needs you to need me
To be yourself

I love everything they hate
Those are the things I fell in love with
The way you smile and your laugh
The way you act
Your whole personality

They say keep you friends close and your enemies closer
So what are you to me
I can’t even answer that question
Friends are the things that make us
Or break us
Or both
So what do you do

I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes
I want to stop my feelings for you
Or maybe not
I thought I did
But you don’t forget someone who gave you so much to remember

I know that when I lose you that will be the end
It wasn't true but I thought I knew
I thought I felt it
The end
But if the end is worse
That pain was a feather on my skin

I’m hurt but I don't know why
I can't explain any of it

I want what I can't have
I need what I shouldn’t want

Of course you’ll never know
I won't let you
Those feeling I felt the first time
I can’t feel them again
I’ll move on
I already have
But That doesn't mean I want to
Sometimes I wish I never met you
That would make things easier

Then agian
You should never regret something that made you smile

Maybe it's just that I can't wait to grow up
Get out of this place
Living in the moment
I don't know of such a thing

And i’m sorry
To all the rest of you

I don't care for some things
And for others I give all my attention
The things that don’t even know I exist sometimes
I can't help it's the things that don't need me

I’m sorry I feel this way
I don't know why

Maybe it’s better that I keep my walls up
My guards on duty
Myself inside

But see here's the thing
Quiet people
Have the loudest minds
And biggest imagination

You see I have a story
People think i’m just another ordinary girl
But everyone has a story

The fire inside me burns brighter than the fire surrounding me
That’s why I survive
And since i’ve gone through a hell
Others will say it’s exaggerated
I’m dangerous
But you only see that when I smile into the flames

Everyone has a song
A story
That explains them
Something they can hold
And understand

It hurts
So much more than anyone will ever know
Those walls don't help
They just crumble down

And it only makes it harder to re-build
When I know what's coming again

You believe i’m strong
You couldn't be more wrong
Im hurt
I've given up
But with all the care in the world

And see the problem with being the strong one
Is that no one offers you a hand

But you never would have known
I wouldn't let you
And that's my fault

I’ll open up eventually
Maybe even to you first
But not now
I can’t
I can’t explain why or how
I’m sorry
Sometimes I feel as though i’m a raging sea inside of a tiny raindrop
Waiting to burst
And having the power to once I fill up
But if I do
That power is too strong and could end everything i’ve worked to hard to gain
But soon enough i’ll show you everything

The main communication problem
Is that we listen to reply
Not understand
But I listen to understand
That’s why i’m quiet when you’re done
And why when I tell you everything
You’ll only feel obligated to reply
When all I want is for you to understand

And once you hear my story
You will feel the need to save me
Thinking if you kill my demons
Everything will be alright
But if you kill my demons
My angels will die to
And I can’t lose you

I sit here everyday
Wondering if someone would or could understand
And how to open up
Because even I don’t understand my own thoughts
And my mind is so deep
Most would drown
They Would need to approach with caution
But the thing about looking into darkness
Is that you never know how deep it is
So taking the jump could surprise you
Or kill you
And that’s the last thing I want to do

Most people pick up a book and judge it
Not always by it’s cover but how long it is
What they don’t understand is that those pages are filled with thoughts
Yes some are very dark but others are filled with light
And by putting that book back on the shelf they are missing out on something wonderful
Only some are brave enough to open it
Read the words and try to understand
To connect
And love
So that when they are done the book is worn with love and understanding
Because books, like people seek to be understood and loved
They seek to connects
And most importantly
Effect other people

Are you brave enough to read my book
Am I brave enough to let you
Normally I would say that I wouldn't hesitate to read yours
But for the person who wrote that book
It’s a lot harder to give them away
Than to read
But you’re a reader
As am I
So why is this exchange so hard

I built these walls because in the end I learned how to be strong…..alone

Just be careful
Is all i’m asking
Because these walls don’t build themselves
And they’re just to easy to knock down

And how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard
Because if you live to be a hundred
I hope to live to be a hundred
Minus one day
So I never have to live without you

It hurts because it matter’s
That’s why I keep going
Why I don’t mind the pain

The thing is
I can forget what you said
But I will never forget how you made me feel

You will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die
However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find-
Is they are not always with whom we spend our lives

I guess that’s what happened to me

But in the end
I’ve conquered my demons
And I shall wear my scars
As wings
And as life goes on
And pushes me hard
I will jump into the fire
And fight
My wings growing larger all the while