catdeu

Like a River

Pretending to be happy is getting to hard for me
I don't know why it's so hard for anyone to see
Is it because Im too good at hiding behind fake laughs and a smile
Or because I'm too good at pretending to love my life style
I'm always wondering how do I make this life worthwhile?
It's so hard to put into words the way I feel
I constantly see myself as a third wheel
My nights always consist of fear and doubt
I don't know how to control my feelings and I always want to shout
I want to cry and punch something
I cry out for help but there's not a soul that is listening
I am ugly and gross
Repulsive at most
I hate myself down to my fingers and toes
Why can't i be glowing, and glistening
Why can't I be happy and skinny and witty
Why can't I be the girl who is always grinning, and looking pretty
I could have it worse so why am I sad?
Its not fair to have it so good
And be hurting so bad
It's a weird feeling, indescribable almost
But I will try to explain it
I could be surrounded by friends & family, walking through the city
And all I will feel
Is alone, and a disturbing self pity
Is there anyone out there who can help me understand
Stay by my side
And hold onto my hand
Tell me everything is going to be okay
Remind me that if I hold on and keep fighting, I will be untroubled one day
One day I will work through my trouble,
But right now life is one big unsolvable puzzle
But with every puzzle there is a solution
A conclusion to the delusion
A resolution that doesn't involve my own execution
I will stay here and keep fighting
I will hold on to my hope
Because whether I believe it or not
My life is worth it, and I will learn how to cope
If I want to see that light at the end of the tunnel
I have to keep going
Move like a river, that never stops flowing.

Comments10

  • Christina8

    Welcome to MPS. Great first poem. I think it's great that you found yourself in a positive place. And like you said, hold on to hope. I hope that you keep writing, I would love to see more of your work! Thanks for sharing.

    • catdeu

      Thankyou! I appreciate the kind words and feedback. I will hold onto hope because it is all I've got. I really enjoyed writing this, it was a way for me to get out how I feel in words which is always so difficult. I'm excited to give another poem a go!

      • Christina8

        You're welcome! Good to hear that you're excited!

      • rrodriguez

        I like it... it has a flow and conveys your thoughts, feelings, and emotions clearly. Follow your feeling and write, then edit, then write, then edit... write, and write some more... I liked your poem, very sad...but it has a message.

        • catdeu

          Thank you very much! I didn't edit it at all. So the next time I write a poem I will take the time to edit it. I know it's sad, but I hope maybe some can relate to it, feel the change of emotion at the end of the poem and feel a sense of optimism and hope in themselves. Thank you for your feedback it is much appreciated! :)

        • willyweed

          you say this is your first write if that's true I have no doubt, you should keep on writing and get those feeling out.
          Live is worth the living but sometimes it's not so clear ask your God to help you eliminate
          your fear. ww

          • catdeu

            Thank you I'm so happy to hear that I did a nice job for my first time. This definitely makes me want to keep on writing. Maybe I've found a new hobby/passion for the future. :) thanks for your feedback.

            • willyweed

              Yes write on the honeymoon is over get busy! ww

            • My_Brain

              Great job! I just started writing myself. And this is a great community of people, to write with! Hope to see more of your work soon!

              • catdeu

                Thankyou!! I will check out some of your work :)

              • Hopey_xx

                Welcome to MPS! Great first poem, I have been here for just over a week, I hope you keep writing!

                • catdeu

                  Thankyou dear! I appreciate it!

                  • Hopey_xx

                    No problem :)

                  • Phoenix8523

                    Hope is always a great message. Eloquently written! -- phoenix

                    • catdeu

                      Wow thankyou that's a wonderful compliment :)

                    • Tony36

                      Awesome write and wonderfully expressive

                      • catdeu

                        Thankyou!! Thanks for reading and responding with some feedback. :)

                        • Tony36

                          Welcome

                        • BRIAN & ANGELA

                          WELCOME CAITDEU ~ Thanks for your first poem it is excellent. ! It throbs with Rhyme & Rhythm in its structure and Passion and Angst in its content. I am pleased you have got so much positive feedback and that you found it cathartic. MPS is a very empathetic site and you will make lots of Friends and read some excellent poetry ~ Thanks for caring and sharing ~ Your Friend BRIAN (UK)

                          • catdeu

                            Thank you, Brian! I love this site already! I was nervous about shareing this on a poetry website out of fear I would just embarrass myself among all the amazing writers, but I have got nothing but positive feedback (although I do like constructive criticism as well) thanks for responding!

                            • BRIAN & ANGELA

                              Thanks CAITDEU ~ I am an encourager and alway like my welcoming comment to be very positive. I never give DESTRUCTIVE CRITICISM always constructive Rhyme and Rhythm are important in poetry and your poem has plenty ! However it seems like you just turned on a WORD TAP and it all poured out ! Your rhyme is good but the RHYME PATTERN is not consistent and also the flow (RHYTHM) is hampered by the fact that your lines are not the same meter (number of syllables) ~ Let me give you an example END OF THE DAY ~ Stanza 1. THE SUN IS SINKING IN THE WEST ~ THE DAY HAS ENDED NOW FOR ME ~ THIS IS THE TIME THAT I LOVE BEST ~ AS I WEND HOMEWARD FOR MY TEA Each line has eight syllables ~ which gives it rhythm and flow and the rhyming pattern is abab The RHYTHM and the RHYME pattern are repeated in Stanza 2. I AM SUCH A CONTENTED MAN ~ I PLOW THE SOIL FROM DAWN TO EVE ~ I THANK THE LORD FOR WHO I AM ~ THANKFUL FOR ALL THAT I RECEIVE ! and so on for Stanzas 3 4 5 etc. That is how classical poetry is written in neat Stanzas with the same rhythm and rhyming pattern etc. Of course on MPS you will find examples of Modern Poetry without rhyme ~ rhythm ~ punctuation ~ exact spelling etc ~ there are NO RULES in 21st C Poetry. Mt last poem is in fact written in "FREE VERSE" When you post your next poem you have to decide how you want to present it ~ but you can add a comment to say ~ it si FREE VERSE ~ A SONNET ~ AN ACROSTIC ~ A HAIKU (THRE LINES ~ NO RHYME ~ 5 7 5 SYLLABLES AND ABOUT NATURE !) Poetry is a big subject ~ but there isways a lot of fun in writing and reading poetry _ especially if you cam COMMENT ! Hiope all this helps ~ Your Friend BRIAN(UK)

                            • 2 more comments

                            • JohnLee

                              Great poem.. I love that style! I understand completely where you're coming from with the depression and anxiety wearing fake smiles like a style. I gotcha. Great job I can feel it. And looking at your profile pic.. I disagree with the ugly and gross repulsive at most line.

                              • catdeu

                                Thankyou!! I'm sorry that you can relate it is not fun. :/ and thankyou for that, even though I don't agree I must take the compliment lol. I'm glad you liked it!

                                • JohnLee

                                  You're very welcome

                                • TN96

                                  Amen to that! I love your style!

                                  As sad as it is I honestly think so many people our age (myself included) are made to put up with this sort of stuff. I particularly liked the line about life being an 'unsolvable puzzle'! Most of us also seem to be awful about mentioning this stuff in person, so poems like this can be a really powerful tool :)

                                  Keep writing.

                                  • catdeu

                                    Thank you I really appreciate your feedback!



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