Charging

Albuquerque Sun Port

Christmas Eve

Utilizing the space here and the extra time

Sitting at this long rectangular ledge with outlets streamlining it all the way down

Charging up all of my portable devices

Sipping on an overpriced Chai Tea with all of its elegant spices

I have given in to co-dependency to technology, clearly

Not really, but, yeah....I am a hypocrite

At the place I call home, there are no longer the means to be this gluttonous

I am right, smack dab, in the middle of an intense and rare transitioning

It has been a great and powerful year of living, loving, and learning for me

Growing

Branching out

Closure of unrequited love from my past has not yet come fully to completion

I was just crying less than an hour ago

I know better than to let this keep happening to me

I know that it is no longer healthy

I am so worried about his well-being

He has been the love of my life, as he has told me I have been in his as well

I cannot believe that it all just fell through us again

I guess it would have made it all much easier to deal with now, should I have just

 expected this all to occur

The worst part about it is that the reasoning is simply not there

Its all nothing but a huge blur to me now

I see him

feel him

smell him

taste his body in all of my dreams

In all of my daytime fantasies

Every time I fucking close my eyes

When other boys somehow manage to arouse me  just by being boys

Often

More than a hundred times a day sometimes

I don't want it all to just go away

I want him to want to fight for me too

He let me know where he stands by blocking my access to his social media, which is even a bigger smack upon my skin

His telephone number remains the same

I have not gotten the nerve to dial it

I won't accept not winning this game

I have only texted pages upon pages of demeaning sentences followed by half-ass excuses and unaccepted apologies over which I am completely sincere

I have this gut feeling that I have managed to hurt him somehow

On the last night that we spent together , I happened to glance up at his beautiful face just in time to see him fight away a stream of steady tears falling from the corner of one eye

He denied it, of course

It is not anything that I can take away

My brutal bitch of a memory refuses to grant me any form of forgetting

As I sit here all googly-eyed, ready to fly Westerly

To the calming grounds upon which I tread every year at the holiday time

I will be back before I even know it

To bring in with pure radiant light the blessed New Year

I don't know why it is that I still love that boy so....

God knows, I always will

All that I can tell you is that when you find true love, you definitely know that you have found it

Nothing lets you question if its true

Here in another airport, charging up the love that flows to my brain

Charging up my body

Electrocution of all of my past years pain

Charging up my Spirit

Charging up my Soul

The implosion of all the walls I have built up within in my past

Creating the room for my Dream spacing

Where I will manifest the next warrior man who makes me feel whole.....

12/24/2016