The house stands open
to the weather.
Walls cracked;
roof collapsing
A mildewed teddy bear moulders
in the crumbling fireplace.
Woodwormed floorboards;
rotting stairs.
Glass in the windows shattered
like broken dreams.
And everywhere the sour smell
of decay and lost ambition
-
Author:
Garry (Pseudonym) (
Offline) - Published: March 21st, 2017 12:45
- Comment from author about the poem: I would welcome any thoughts s on the last two lines. I added them several l days after i initially finished and am unsure about them.
- Category: Reflection
- Views: 102
Offline)
Comments6
Last two lines: Throughout you are describing a house and it continues into the last two lines, except when we come to "lost ambition," a human trait, not one for a house. This gives the poem reason for being. Without it, all you've got is a description of a house in decay. Why is it abandoned? Ah,yes. "lost ambition," now , you're saying more than (See this house.), You give the reader food for thought. What brought on this "lost ambition?" You also give your poem a reason to exist.
One more small note "sour " smell, to me I would find a different modifier other than "sour." Maybe something to enhance the sense of "lost ambition." Say "dormant" or such.
So, definitely keep the last two lines. Loved the poem.- Phil A.
Thank you,Phil. Your comments helped clarify my thoughts. The poem had never seemed finished until I came up with the last two lines so I agree they must give it a "reason for being".
I will think more the "sour" .
As a kid I read many books, by Enid Blyton and in one of her less well known series (the Five Find Outers) one of the characters writes a poem about an old house. I can't remember the words and it was just a short and (probably deceptively) simple rhyming couplets poem.
However the images and feelings it conjured up have played on my mind on and off for well over 40 years, so I guess this came from that.
Wow. I absolutely love this. The descriptions are so vivid and it really puts you there, in the house. Whether the house is actually a house or some roped off part of the mind that's been given up on. And I think "sour" works fine. Decay does smell sour and being left behind from losing interest or giving up on something, there would be a kind of decay even if it's metaphorical so it still fits. I'm no expert but I think your words are perfect and you shouldn't change a thing.
That's great. Thank you.
We do build walls in our mind to fence off emotions we don't want and regrets we feel about things we have done and opportunities we have missed and when I'm tired or stressed these barriers crack slightly.
I thought about the "bitter smell" but I don't think that scans so well and I like the alliteration. "Stagnant smell" alliterates but doesn't scan. Probably stick with sour.
Only just come across this - encouraged to look at your work after your kind comments on my latest posting. I have to agree with everything that's been said - the last two lines (without the parentheses) are just perfect. I did look at alternatives to the words 'and everywhere' but couldn't find anything that would sustain the same metre so leave as is.
Thank you. Very helpful and reassuring. I do like my poems to have flow and rhythm.
I'm away from home at the moment with intermittent internet access , but thanks for the helpful comments. I am clear in my mind about the poem now, as much as I ever am, and will update it when I'm back on line.
Done, just a few punctuation glitches but i can live with that.
Thank you all again for taking the time to comment., much appreciated.
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