Edith's Hefty Handbag


Edith had been suffering from shoulder pain

She'd developed a stoop and only her left shoulder would sag

When she went to see her doctor

He put all the blame on her weighty handbag

One afternoon she had time to spare

So she decided to empty it out

Anything that wasn’t essential

She would leave it out, without a doubt

When she tipped it out on the table

She got the shock of her life

The numerous items were too many to mention

No wonder shoulder pain was causing her strife

Firstly, there was a packet of extra strong mints

That she’d been given by a friend

The best before date was twelve months ago

The packet had been left open at one end

She was rather partial to a mint

So she thought she’d try her luck

But the minty taste was no longer there

So she spat it out after a single suck

Next she found a mirror

With a picture of Marilyn Monroe on the back

She held it up to look into it

Her reflection was fractured by a diagonal hairline crack

She’d bought it several years ago

At a local jumble sale

First time she’d prised it open

She’d broken a false nail

Her cellphone had seen better days

She’d bought it for a tenner off her friend Sherry

Sherry had bought the latest i-phone

So she’d sold Edith her dated Blackberry

A make-up kit with brushes

Had really seen better days

The brushes were missing half their bristles

And the orange powder harked back to her ‘Tangoed’ phase

She has quite a few credit cards

Including Barclaycard, Visa and American Express

With only stubs left in her cheque book

She’s spending more instead of less

There’s an assortment of loose change

Two and one pound coins and pence

If she pays her bus fare with too much

She knows the driver will take offense

She has a lipstick-shaped cigarette lighter

That someone gave her for a joke

She just keeps it as a souvenir

Because she doesn't smoke

There’s a USB drive, mp3 player

and scrunchies for her hair

Tissues, gum and diary

she didn’t know were there

Then there’s sunglasses, lipstick

and numerous feet of dental floss

Hand sanitizer, address book, medication

And a bottle of perfume she got from her ex-boss

Edith looks at the table-full

And only puts essentials back in her bag

The bag feels so much lighter

No longer will her shoulder sag

She went out for a walk the following day

No more pain in her shoulder

Her neighbour noticed the spring in her step

“I've de-cluttered my handbag” she told her

  • Author: jenny1959 (Offline Offline)
  • Published: April 1st, 2017 10:30
  • Category: Humor
  • Views: 35


  • Michael Edwards

    Sounds as if it was more like a container - good fun read.

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