Let me try to explain

Okay so listen, let me try to explain

What happens when the blood running through my veins

Can’t really flow around anymore because of the pain

That was felt that same day

That he said ‘it will feel good i promise’

And when the bed was a mess

And i felt so STRESSED and not DESTRESS

And it made me feel less of a person

because i knew i failed this test

Of trusting myself of not going too far

Of just going enough

To make him believe that he could trust

The words i spoke of lust which

Turned out to be just my fears speaking to fit in

The words were taken from those girls mouths

Who made me have doubts about myself

And made me shout in the mirror

Every time i did not look like a coca-cola bottle

Or cry in the shower because i was not hotter than the girl featured in the next top model

I believed him when he said that he could take the pain away in just one night

And for a split second i was going to fight with myself

Because i knew it was a lie

But somehow my flawed face looked in his eyes

And couldn't bring myself to lie that i couldn't

and instead asked

With a flirty face…”what time”

I beat myself up for not taking a stand

That he should love me for who i am but instead

I yelled “GODD**N”, as i proceeded to make my face

With colors and shades of my pain and of my skin

And that is when i realized i could not win With sin

And this weight on my tray was too much

And I’ve never felt so thin as that day that i prayed….”God please help me”

So as nine o’clock came closer

I could not imagine taking my clothes off

For someone who did not understand what it meant to feel the pressure of exposure

Of my body because underneath that shirt was not just breast

But a mess because i just could not ingest self-confidence

But instead learned to hug my own body

Because there aren’t enough sorry’s

To heal the wounds that have been formed from nobody’s

And somehow i have managed to let one make me feel like a sloppy leftover.

Not only does it hurt my body but it burns my heart and mind to know

That i went far enough to let him think that i might be cool enough

But when it was all over, i could just see disgust

Not only of him but of myself who though rough could make me blush

But now i can't feel a thing, i feel a numb

And he was right the pain did go away because there is no air in my lungs

I cannot breath nor see what the hype was all about and this

“Little bit of bleed”

That somehow determines how much of a woman you are

But this title of “being grown” has raised the bar

And i do not want to reach for it but my future is now gone

Because I do not have what i used to have…

That same night, tears seemed to rush down my cheeks

As i tried harder and harder to clean my body and

What he has seen including my in betweens

And the harder i scrubbed and rubbed, i could still feel the burn all over

And somehow it did feel like my life WAS over…

Days would pass and this feeling could not be alleviated

Because mentally and emotionally I was naked and unfortunately i felt so uneducated

About what had happened

And not only was i aggravated and agitated

It seemed all too complicated and i still did not understand the fascination

That girls could find of laying in bed with someone who I could not call mine.

But i was stupid enough to believe that maybe he would call or text

And when he did not i would insist to

Defend the guy who broke me in pieces

I could not go out in public anymore because i felt watched and judged

And i needed a disguise to survive the humiliation that came with

This divine feeling of defeat.

I have never felt so drained and traumatized as i did that month

Because i could not confront myself.

I was mortified and surprised at how i could not even provide myself with

Any support to love myself..just despise. Despise guys like him

Time passes by and i can now look into the mirror knowing that my past does not define me

My mistakes cannot outline my accomplishments do after some time, i can say that i win.

The journey has brought me some lessons on reality and not fantasy

And i’m still learning but i can say that what has happened has made me a better person

And no, i never heard from him again.