"controlling"

When we broke up you said I was controlling. I denied it at first then I learned to accept it. I never wanted to become so controlling, knowing it would ruin the connection we had, so I'm going to tell you why I was so controlling. I was controlling because I was scared to lose you because I loved you. I loved the way you laughed the way you smiled and the way that you loved me. I was scared, anxious, and worried because you started to get closer to "her". I tried to keep my trust in you which is why I never said much about "her". But after a month I noticed things starting to go down. We started to stop talking because of the time you and "her" would always be talking for. Some days I was super worried and that's when I started needing some form of reassurance from you, a sign that you still loved me. And when you gave me those signs I had a sense of relief and all the doubt and fear in my body was gone. So when we broke up and you said I was controlling I was upset but after a while, I shrugged it off. But two days after our break up you and "her" had a love reconnection that seemed stronger than ever. I tried not to be jealous because I wanted you to be happy. So I pushed off the heartbreak that I was healing to watch you to together. And after you reconnected with "her" I realized that the reason I was controlling is not only because I was scared to lose you, it was because I was scared to lose our friendship even though we were together at the time. I hoped that the break up wouldn't effect the friendship we had but we barely talk anymore since you've been with "her". The hardest part about the break up wasn't even the break up its self. It was the aftershock of it. I don't just mean the anger, tears, and jealousy, I'm talking about the bond between me and "her". We had the best friendship imaginable. That was until our breakup. Now that it's you and "her" I've decided to stay out of the picture because I want both of you to be happy. I don't want to assess blame on you or "her" because neither of you did anything but wanted to love. So that's why I was so controlling. Because I was scared to lose you, watch you slip away, and slowly watch me fade away.