A Letter to my Dad

A Letter to my Dad

Dad

This letter is not to force you to apologize

Nor is it a way to get back at you for all those lies

It is rather a letter for me to get over you

I do not want to choose words that are rude

However you should know this is all true

I never thought I would have

Enough courage to tell you as my dad

That I am done with the pain and the sad.

I am done trying to pretend

That there was a magical happily ever end.

I can’t go living in a mound of hurt

Trying to bury the pain under the dirt.

I have to tell you exactly how I feel

This letter is full of authenticity and all things real.

Do you remember the way you treated me as a young child?

You created a nurturing world full of laughter and smiles.  

I had a great time when you came to school

Where you played your guitar and I danced like a fool.

I have many good memories from that period of my life

Full of beautiful adventures providing such bright light

But near my fourteenth birthday the light dimmed, the doctor sat you down

And told you there was a tumor that he found.

He told you that you and our family we were  so full of luck

Because he had caught the cancer early enough.

In my eyes this diagnosis was far from fantastic

Because this is when you changed from being sane to overdramatic

Your cancer finally went away

Taking with it the dad I would have loved to stay.

You became bitter and angry

Your change in character seriously scared me.

You were not your self I could tell

Instead of talking things out you would always yell.

Fighting became part of your daily routine

I was confused because you were not who you used to be

But little did I know that things would only get worse.

You would choose alcohol to numb your hurt.

You first started to drink a little too much

Which I thought was okay because you were just having fun

But slowly you started to abuse

The substance that you believed would you get through

But you failed to realize that this was a dangerous game

That would lead to so much anger and pain

I will never forget my freshman year

Full of ainxt and endless fear

I thought that maybe one day you would stop

And realize how much pain your alcoholism had caused.

Did you ever just pause in the moment and see

That all of your poor choices developed into a disease?

I lived in fear day and night

Protecting your youngest daughter from all the fright.

I suddenly became the caregiver for your family

The one to comfort all who were closest to me.

I would not be able to tell you how many times I would stay up at night

And just cry because this was now my normal life.

I lost all hope for you and the world

Thinking that life would always leave me this sore

Senior year came to an end

But I couldn’t leave, I had your family to defend.

At this point you were very sick

And you started to do a lot of shit

Like drinking and driving with me in the car

The dad I once knew was oh so far.

You broke a lot of rules

Even the ones you already knew.

I was so scared for your life and safety

And numerous nights we would hide your keys.

This terrifying life that I was living

Became the only thing that kept me living .

At 23 I tried to take my life

Because I was so tired and wanted to die

I wanted to ease my worries and distress

It was the best thing to think of laying to rest  

I almost died that day

And mom told you to go away

And you just laughed in her face asking why she was full of disgrace

But really she told you to pack your bags and leave

Because she wanted to set her family free

Of torment and horror that we breathed

This was turning point for us

I could live freely and trust

It was the best decision that she ever made

Getting me out of that dark dark  cave

I could finally be myself

Without worrying about you and everyone else.

After reading this how do you feel?

I wonder to myself if you believe this is real.

But I can longer stand around and wait for

You to apologize for all your past mistakes

You can only choose for yourself

If you ever want to get any help

As I come to the end of this letter

Please know that I am so much better

I am the happiest that I have been in my life

Because I don’t have to keep up with your fights

You do not have to beg me to forgive you

You can choose your own avenue

I would love for you to walk me down the aisle

Or hold my newborn baby child.

But if you continue to live this way

There’s absolutely no point for me to stay.

I hope you choose the path to recovery

Because you mean so much to me  

For now I will you bid you adu

Because like I said I am through

I wish you motivation to change in a healthy way

But I will no longer wait here and stay.

Sincerely, your middle daughter