Finding God: A Love Story

I pray to a pen instead of my God sometimes
I feel like ink is stronger than the invisible words I send up to him.
When my baby sister cries because she is broken hearted, I tell her to write about her feelings and put them down on yellow paper pad
That will heal her.

I have found a faith in Him and I intend to continue to build on this new love
But I have found God before in the scribbles in notebooks when I have written and rewritten a poem for my mother I never want to send
I have found God before in fingernail polish when I really wanted to rip fingernails off,
Bare, skin with no rainbow or pot of gold at the end
I have found God before in the cold side of the pillow and fallen into deep appreciation in my bed spread.

I have found faith in my pen when I can not hold onto secrets much longer before my teeth run away from my gums taking lies I wish I had not told with them
I have found faith in my words when no one will listen so I make them
I have opened road maps to find a holy cross when I needed it most and then carved my name into the feet of the Lord
I am so sorry.

I have been baptized in rose petals and cigarette burns but never holy water
Maybe He can cool the wounds I have suffered
I think He can
No
I know He can cool the wounds inflicted on my paper skin
I found God in the spine of an old leather bible with someone else's name on the cover
God found me by sending someone else's teeth into the bed next to me in hell
I was scared that I was like the devil
That I was unable to be saved and I would continue to, like a cigarette, burn
But God found me in a drenched pair of jeans on a busy city street
He took broken knuckles and pointed them towards church
I believe he had healed a sinner's angry shoulders
Rolled them up and away from evil towards sunlight, heaven, Him.

Sometimes I still pray to my pen
Sometimes I am scared that I am too devoted to words and not devoted enough to silence
But I am not scared of a God I know is there now.
Not scared of a God who is alive in my heart either
God put this pen in my hand and commanded write me a winner kid
So here it is
The best I have
A new sort of prayer asking to find You in smudged ink on wrinkled paper
There you are
Hello