Hope{less}

 

Hate you? How could I do such a thing?

Oh

I scream at you,

Cry because of you,

Hurt because of you,

Question everything because of you,

Lie because of you,

Lie to you!

No,

I don't hate you.

I never did.

Even when I said I did.

Even when I stopped talking to you,

Even when I blocked you,

Even when I lied to you,

Even when I told everyone I did,

Even when I threw away the ring.

That you gave me.

I lost it.

Or I threw it away.

It doesn't matter

Because I found it.

That damn plastic ring.

Giving me hope.

False hope!

I have to tell you that it was all

False.

I created this ludicrous fantasy in my head.

It was barbaric,

Really.

I thought you loved me.

Well,

That you were in love with me.

You aren't.

You told her.

My sister.

She told me.

Her brother.

It broke my heart.

I joked that I didn't have a heart,

That it never could be broken.

If that's so,

How did you break it?

I used to say,

'What is there to break!'

I was so naive.

I didn't even want to believe in love.

I also thought that it was a ludicrous fantasy.

I used to pray that I would stop loving you.

Because I do not

Believe in love.

It is fake,

Dishonest,

Ridiculous,

Unhealthy!

It's wrong!

Wrong for me!

Yet I still love you,

Yet I still cry over you,

Yet you still break my nonexistent

Heart.

I used to pray that you would hate me.

Scream for me to get out,

To stop being you friend.

Scream that I was evil,

Monstrous,

Disgusting!

But you've done worse.

Much,

Much worse.

You said that you didn't love me.

Sorry,

That you weren't in love with me.

Which to me

Is worse than hating me.

It hurts more,

Burns more,

It destroys you more.

I thought that you

Were in love

With me.

Pathetic old

Me.

But you weren't.

Aren't.

I found out today.

I tried to smile when she told me

What you had said.

That it wasn't me,

But I'm a nice person,

And that whoever will marry me is

Lucky.

Lucky them,

Lucky me?

I went to the bathroom,

But no tears fell.

It was a rather sad sight.

I was crouched down,

Willing the tears to fall.

Willing myself to scream out in pain.

Willing my body to show what I felt.

But it never happened,

I haven't fully cried.

Yet.

But I will.

Tonight.

As I tell you that I will never tell you my secret,

As I tell you that I don't want to know who you love,

{So don't tell me,}

As I try my hardest not to tell you my secret.

Will you then feel my pain?

You care for me.

You really do.

But it's not enough.

It's not enough.

You told me that you would beat up whoever broke my

Heart.

I know you didn't think you'd be the one to break it.

The first person to hurt me so much that I can't

Cry.

Hurt me so much that

I'm confused,

I'm sick,

I'm sad.

Depressed.

Broken.

Because of you.

But you also said you wouldn't beat them up if they were nice.

It's not going to happen

Then.

Because you are more than

'Nice.'

You are amazing.

You are sweet and kind,

You're perfect.

To me.

Well,

Almost perfect.

No.

You are perfect.

You aren't in love with me,

So that makes you perfect.

I would be that blemish,

Ruining your clean self,

Pure of any cancer.

You are perfect,

Always perfect

To me.

It makes sense that you don't love me,

I hardly love myself.

I hardly love anyone.

But I love you.

You.

And that's what kills me.

I will never have you.

The perfect person

To me.

But I'm young.

I'll get over it.

Find someone also perfect.

Maybe even more perfect.

Maybe.

But I don't want to,

Not only because it's impossible,

But because I need you.

I need you.

So here I go ruining it.

Ruining it all!

Damn it all to hell!

I don't care,

I'm heart broken!

Twenty-five and heart broken!

Love is disgusting.

Unwanted,

Ugly,

Cancerous,

Broken!

And I don't want it!

I don't want it!

{why}

{why}

{why}

Please,

Stop this.

Do something to make me hate

You.

Or better yet,

Please,

Please

Hate me.

I don't want this,

I don't want love.

Not when I can't have you.

Which is selfish,

But when have I ever said I wasn't a selfish man?

I said I wouldn't get married,

You said that I would find someone in life to change that for me.

I bet you know where this is going.

I bet you know what I'm going to say,

And I know I'm going to regret ever saying a word.

Every single

Damn

Word.

Well,

I said I wouldn't get married,

You said that I would find someone in life to change that all for me.

It was you.

It always was you.

Disgusting,

I know.

But what's even more disgusting is that

I'm going to ruin my life.

Go one dated I'm going to regret,

Kiss girls without feeling,

Live with women who use me,

Marry someone who doesn't love me.

So I stop feeling

Heartbroken.

I'm sorry,

This is just depressing,

It is,

It really is!

And that's okay,

Because that's my life.

Depressing.

What's also depressing that I have loved you

Since the day I saw you.

Even when I hated you.

I didn't hate you,

I fell in love with you.

But I couldn't have that,

I didn't believe in love!

Don't.

So I'm so,

So sorry that you ever thought I hated you,

But

The truth

Is worse.

To me

And to you.

So I'm sorry.

So sorry that I even dared fall in love with you.

But don't worry!

Even if I'm dying,

Even if you're dying,

Even if I never see you again,

Even if it saves me,

I will never tell you my

Secret.

My dark,

Ugly secret.

I will never utter the words

I love you.

 

~ A