Scared

I looked at you as a father figure for me because you have been there so long for me

I looked at you as my hero because when I was crying you were always there to tell me it was okay

I looked at you like a friend because I could talk to you about anything

But how dare you take advantage of me

I was little I didn't understand what was happening

now I am scared for the rest of my life

I blamed myself for what happened those two years of my life

I blamed my mother for what happened

but it wasn't my fault or hers it was yours

I don't live how I want to live because of you

I wonder if you can live day by day not thinking about what happened

I wondered how it affected you if it did

I live with a scared thought in my mind and that is am I going to run into you one day

you took my childhood away I had to grow up fast

I couldn't be a kid

My family split when I was 17 because of what happened.

I now have my own two kids and I hope and pray that it don't happen to them 

I live in fear of men because of you 

its hard for me to trust them around my kids because of you

Once I lived a fear that I was going to end up like you

But I am not because I know from wrong and riight

I didn't ask for this

I didn't want this

I didn't want to be scared for life

I didn't want to have these flash backs

I didn't want to have to tell every guy I am with what happened but had to so they understand that are certain things I won't do

I have to sit and there after telling a male that I am with and worry if they are going to say it was my fault

I have to sit there and worry about if they are going tell me well you didn't stop it because you liked it.

You won't ever know what I feel because you don't care

cause if you did you wouldn't done what you have done to me

I have people who hate me and I didn't want them to

I have became so distant to some that I was close to back then

I stick to myself and because of that I have fell into depression

I had Luckily found two men that understand and tell me it wasn't my fault

one of them passed and the other is my husband

My grandmother told me hate is a strong word and that I shouldn't use it

but with you I think there is an excuse 

I hate you for the scare you left me to deal with

I hate you because those who couldn't turn you in have to live with they didn't get any justice in there life

I don't feel as if I got any justice because I just wanted you to die

I am scared because of you and I don't know if I am able to heal.

its been years and you would think that I would have already let it go but I have not

I live in fear everyday

I can't look at a male and say I trust you because I don't

I don't until they push their way through to me 

and some of them give up

some of the don't take the time 

I am scared and I remember your smell and your face

I am scared because of you