COLLECTION FROM 7/25 ( super RAW)

CUT HERE

"Why did you cut your hair? You looked so much better with it long!"
i hate this question because it makes me think
I am a strong woman I can have short hair and be stunning! 
i want to scream this
i have my freedom to look like this! 
i want to yell in anger
but the truth is 
i didn't think about what others were going to think
and that makes me  feel powerful 
but i didn't think much besides what was going to make me happy
It was one super selfish action i have made
I took control over my body after the rape
i was vulnerable again
open to the world
willing to show my beauty and strength

MY HAPPY SPOT

warm baths with bubbles
a dimmed room 
the smell of nail polish and coffee
my cold skin warmed by my soft blankets and a layer of lotion that smells like winter memories
Amy Winehouse softly playing in the mist of the noiseless room
a book in my hand 
a love letter freshly written 
alone but not lonely
thinking of you
in nothing but fresh: underwear socks and a over sized shirt still warm from the dryer
This is the only place where my mind is calm

GILLS

I always felt like i was drowning in my depression 
like the waves of hurt were consuming me 
i begged for someone to send me help
i thought i gave up 
i wasn't swimming or floating 
i was sinking 
now i understand 
God didn't get me on land 
he gave me gills
now i can breathe 
i adapted

HEAR ME SCREAM HELP

i feel faceless
shut out from this world
out of touch from reality
lost 
He hurt me
i can't forgive
i can't forget
i pretend 
i try to act like i don't always have him in my mind
the violent act 
the rape was traumatic 
i think about him everyday 
and that is hard to understand 
that every single day i replay this event in my mind
Him on top of my body
i was dressed in nothing but shame and disgust 
me shutting my eyes praying to live
praying for him to stop or drop dead
screaming No 
but he only responded with "stop moving it's almost over"
there are details nobody knows 
i am too afraid to tell anyone
i remember everything 
the way the sand embedded in my skin
the way his fingers wrapped around my hair to gain control
i froze 
and i hate myself for that
He gained control over me 
i remember the smell of cigarettes 
i remember his God awful voice
and it's been almost three years 
and i have nightmares every night
i need space from my trauma 
i can't heal 
SOMEONE HEAR MY SCREAMS! 
someone understand the chaos in my soul