My magical life

I am always in the wrong side
Like a light switch I'm either up or down
Left or right if I turn my head just so
But on or off I have no dimmer switch
I either have all the emotion
Or none
Not by choice but by a life of love
Loving so much that I can't stop
If I stop then no one will love me back
So I turn on for the day people

My day job is a show
A show of how human I can be
I am an actress playing the role of someone like me
For she cannot be me
I am too tired
Too weak
Too scared
Too beaten down
Not by the outside world
But the one I've created in my room
The messy room where I nest

My room is eight walls
3 for the walk in closet
Caddie cornered door
Fitting I guess
So the room people want to be a square
Lacks one corner
Like me looks fine
But feels its missing something
Nothing for it structural integrity
Just off ever so slightly

My sisters are amazing
Each a cup of joy
Well something close to joy

Sister one I can no longer talk to
She doesn't like that I don't like
That is to say
I can't make her choices in life
But I could I wouldn't
Her boyfriends wife doesn't like them either
But its forbidden to speak of
By forbidden
That means I can't
But she sure can
Oh and she no longer drinks
Well great since I turned 21
That's all we had in common
So what do we do now
Sip coffee has she speaks of things
To which I cannot speak back

Sister two is a powerhouse
The mitochondria of the family
She keeps things going
She is the glue to which you can never separate
Even if I could I wouldn't
She vision is a rose colored tunnel vision
She want what is "best"
She really does but
Its like a sheet of notebook paper
With our names on it
One for each side
When you flip it over
Well its kinda the same
Only now the holes are on the...the
Well the wrong side
My side is off
But everyone treats it's the same
But it not the same
And now I'm back in my non square room

Sister three she is my heart
I would move mountains
And by that I mean myself
To the other side of the mountains
Let it cast a new a different shadow
On what I like to call my shadow
Four years not so long
High school was a blink for me
But for me to watch her
Waiting...waiting ....waiting
WAITING!

Sorry I didn't mean to yell
But she has my heart
And I gave it to her freely
But its become a paperweight
A doorstopper
Something to be placed down and
Forgotten
So I yell to call attention to the pool of blood
Pouring out and staining the carpet
A hug
A real true hug
That's all it needs to clean up
But I gave her something broken
And her half heated thank you
It is well placed

On not mad
Nor am I bitter
I am sad
I've been sad
Holes left behind hurt
And the blank so e where the rest of me was
Its a sad sight
To look in a mirror
Is to see the me I want to see
But in the minds eye I look different
Battered
Broken house
With peeling paint
And stairs to a second floor
But no second floor exists
Its an illusion
They one I keep showing myself
And yet I am a magician
And the audience
Let me show you the trick

I have this switch
It is either on or off
My ability to feel is connected
And when I'm on
Its raw materials
The flood gates open and all comes pouring out
And when its off
I'm a cold robot that thinks it human
I am an actress playing the role of myself
In some made for tv movie
No budget for anything better then me

Me well I'm doing fine
Just sitting here with a smile
Why do I smile
Because people expect it
Happy and in love
Gayfully employed
I have a bank account that sometimes had money in it
A car that is not mine but I pay for it
A family who cares
A man willing to give me a ring
His name
His money
All to see that smile that people expect
His love is beautiful
It soothe the pain
The empty space isn't so big when he's around
A temporary fix
But a nice distraction
With him its almost like I have a dimmer switch
But even when he is at his finest
I still have a hole in me
So I show off my magic trick