His hands are cold on my hot skin as they move across it, inching up and down as the foghorn of my parents warnings blasts between my ears and behind my closed eyelids. I can hear then telling me not to do this, to remember the rules they didn't follow when they were my age and keep myself untouched for a husband who I don't want to imagine for fear he'll be just like my mother's and grandmother's husbands. My parents voices scream for me to remember the words from a book ill never finish reading because it's too hard to be a sinner when I know what the sins are.
He asks if he can touch me and some part of me that isn't overwhelmed by breaking every moral I've been taught says yes please! And he touches me and I forget that I don't want him to touch me
The ring on my finger that I accepted out of fear of judgement and shame is still there. But my purity ring isn't so pure anymore is it? I still wear it so i dont forget to put it back on because my mother and my father would notice.
He asks me to get on my back now, asks me to get on my knees, asks me to lay on my side. And I do. Because I have always and will always accept attention in any form I can get it, and if his attention is on pushing my face harder into the mattress then at least he's paying attention to me.
When I get so tired that I cannot hold myself up anymore I can hear his disappointment drip from his assurances, so I let him bury himself in a different part of me because I've always been a people pleaser. And I swallow my guilt and try to get off my knees but I can't
My legs are weak, the gaping hole I have become makes me feel so dirty that I cover myself with sweaty blankets to hide my shame from him. He has to leave now, he's already late, so I stay in his room under the shelter of the comforter that is far from comforting.
The next week this becomes a daily occurance, and I hold back tears of physical and emotional pain as he moves on top of me. I count minutes in my head that last centuries and I will for him to finish and go because I don't want to be here anymore.
My mother calls me. I tell her I'm seeing a boy because that is as much of the truth as I can push past my lips without feeling the shame of lying to her, and I can't take anymore shame this week.
He tells me he sees a future with me but his future could end tomorrow and another girl could become his new future just as easily as I did. He tells me he doesn't like labels, and that he doesn't want to call me his girlfriend, and that I can't use his picture as the background on my phone because I can see his face in person. But in person I can't look at his face because I have to close my eyes when he touches me.
How's that for a first time?
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Author:
Sad (Pseudonym) (
Offline) - Published: September 16th, 2017 02:56
- Category: Unclassified
- Views: 82
- Users favorite of this poem: pr3ttyshad0ws
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Comments3
Welcome ANGEL ~ Thanks for your first poem & FIRST TIME ! An amazing confession which made me (as a Gentleman) so sad and angry for you ! He took your most precious thing in a most unloving way ~ Just because he could ! Many MEN are like that and leave a Beautiful Young Lady felling dirty ~ deflowered and used. You conclude by asking "How's that for a first time ?" My answer would be DISGUSTING & DEGRADING & DIABOLICAL. I have been a Young Lady's FIRST LOVER ~ but we were in LOVE and I was very very gentle and let her call the tune. She told me it was the most Beautiful experience in her whole life ~ And that is how it should be FIRST TIME ! If this is autobiographical ~ thanks for sharing and caring. Thinking of 24/7 ~ please check my site Yours BRIAN (UK)
I actually wrote this about this week. It's been so rough that I had to write it all down somewhere. Thanks for reading it.
HI SADIE (nice name ~ my first Lover\'s name !) Writing down negative experience as a Poem is very cathartic. You are very pretty and elegant I can\'t see how you allowed this to happen ~ and this week ~ to be under the spell of an older Man who not only used you but also abused you ~ appalling ! I am praying that you will quickly be released from this nightmare ~ AMEN For a LADY (and in my eyes your are a beautiful Young Lady) 19 is a very special age and you should be experiencing LOVE gently and slowly ~ with someone in your age group ~ with YOU calling the tunes and being able to say NO and be respected ~ please let me know if you have been released from the MONSTER ~ I would castrate Him If i got my hands on Him ! Thanks for sharing and thanks for being MY MPS FRIEND ~ Brotherly HUGS ~ BRIAN
It's a complicated situation honestly.
LOL i really enjoyed your first time you poetic minx. You are a fine writer it's plain to see and i look forward to seeing more of your writing, perhaps on a variety of subjects. We shall see. A very dramatic entry into MPS site where i'm sure all will recognise your obvious talents - i certainly welcome you. Please comment on my stuff.
Thank you
That is a terrible first time. I'm sorry that happened to you. You have a gift for writing. I hope you continue. I hope you heal.
Thank you, I appreciate that very much
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