I Open My Eyes

I open eyes to a still too dark room

3:42 a.m.

This is the eighteenth time I’ve woken up tonight

Most of them because I was dreaming of you and couldn’t stand the sight of your face anymore.

Now don’t get me wrong, I fucking love your face,

But after seeing it next to hers so many times it fills me anger to witness it at all.

I open my eyes and look around,

Everything is still where it was when I closed them so I know I’m okay,

Nightstand: the promise ring you gave me, the comics I meant to give you, and a baby cactus we shared.

All of it in it’s place. Not where it belongs, but where it should be.

Because if you ask me that ring belongs on my second finger, the comics should be on your shelf, and the cactus taking refuge at your place with the other 2 because I don’t really know how to care for it.

But yet all of it’s here, on my nightstand. Where it should be.

I open my eyes and am almost instantly blinded by myself grabbing for my cell-phone.  

I expect to see 32+ messages from you because you always stayed up later than me and “blew up” my phone while I was sleeping so when I opened my eyes I’d smile.

I open my eyes- I’m not smiling.

I see my wallpaper, a picture of you with your nephew,

the boy you always told I was his auntie, I wonder if he’ll ask about me a few years down the road.

I blink a few times, and open up messenger,

I click on your name,

I see the last few missives I sent you,

ALL IN CAPS -
ANGRY AF!
And I regret the way I treated the last few days I had you,

But why am I apologizing when you’re the one who decided to sleep with someone else?

You hurt me a million times and I said sorry a trillion more.

I open my eyes and set down my phone,

while holding tighter to the teddy-bear in my arms,

Something that kept me comfortable all my life now feels foreign after you laid in my arms for that year.

I open my eyes as I open my journal and begin to open my heart onto paper,

I open my eyes afraid they’ll never close again,

I open my eyes and I stare at my dead bedroom ceiling,

I open my eyes, ashamed for letting them kiss yours,

I open my eyes,

3:48 A.M.