Forgiveness Is Not What I Deserve

I'm so sorry,

my friend

for all I've done

The mistakes I've made

are weights

tied to each of our feet

drowning us both in an ocean 

of disaster 

that I caused

I'm so sorry,

I haven't been myself 

I've been a shadow of someone else

I'm lost

and it scares me, too

What I want 

is not forgiveness 

What I want 

is for you to give yourself

what you deserve 

I will never forgive myself

for smothering you, too

I will never forgive myself

and I don't want you to either

because that is not 

what I deserve