I'm scared of something that barely exists

anxiety

Why do I lie    To myself 
What am I gaining from it? 
Why can't my mind let me see it 
I can't distinguish the truth 
I'm not lying to anyone but myself 
I stopped lying to people days ago, 
Maybe a week 
I can't tell time anymore 
I don't know what day it is   
I can't tell the difference between a Monday and a Saturday 
They seem the same, the same heart ache 
Difficulty of breathing 
Of thinking 
Making food and keeping it down 
Over thinking of eating 
Can I feel bad for myself? 
It's hard to look at me 
I think for everyone 

Why wont I let these emotions run rampant 
I can't decipher my feelings 
I don't know which is which 
They all feel the same 
The only one i know is when I hold your hand 
And you look at me 
With those big blue eyes that don't shine the way they should 
I see the sparkle rarely 
It disappears too much nowadays 
My heart yearns to be the reason you smile   
And I don't think I am anymore 
Ouch that hurts 
Wow it stings 

I want to be the reason your lips curve up and your teeth show 
Youre beautiful 
I can see it, everyone sees it but you 
I am afraid another will make you see it the way I should have been able too 
I am afraid that someone will bring new meaning to your life 
I am easily replaceable, as i want to believe, most humans are; 
But you're not 
I can't replace you, I think I want to hear those words come from your mouth but I feel foolish wishing that 

I know I can't replace you.   
You are like a song that no-one but you can sing 
Like the way water makes its way from my throat to my stomach, it moves so smoothly 
Like my morning coffee 
My hot showers in the morning   
that should last a little longer 
The way I make my tea 
The way I hold onto my stuffed stingray at night 
I don't wish to replace these things with new ones, I just want to place you in them 
To sing with you in the shower, to kiss the middle of your back as I hold you. 
To hold your hand tightly 
Every single night 
To wake up next to you every morning 
And kiss your cheek 
To look at you while you sleep 
I want to be able to count all 12 moles on your chest every night 
And I'm just holding onto these thoughts for dear life 
Because I can't tell if they're ever going to happen for the rest of my life 
I just know I have them now 
And that should be enough but I want so much to be selfish with you and to make these memories routine 

I feel a pit in my stomach on most days and I always know it's anxiety 
Anxiety trying to talk to me, 
To tell me something is wrong 
Something isn't right 
It's what it says daily 
Most days I believe it 
Something is off and I'm scared 
I don't really know what I'm scared of 
I think it's you 
I think it's you I'm afraid of 
You have always had the power to crush my whole being in a matter of seconds 
With words 
Or actions 
a combination of the two 
I think id die 

Maybe not psychicially   
Definitely emotionally 
I think I'm already dead. 
How do you live when it feels as if your heart has already stopped beating.
  • Author: the-cat-with-anxiety (Pseudonym) (Offline Offline)
  • Published: October 11th, 2017 21:29
  • Category: Unclassified
  • Views: 17
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Comments +

Comments1

  • Gary Edward Geraci

    The poem describes the untenable position of surrendering one’s peace to elements completely out of one’s control. Indeed, a miserable place to be as the poem so very well conveys. This lover needs to discover the noble qualities of self, the inherent dignity that exists with or without the other, and the security and permanence that can only be assured In the indissoluble sacramental marriage bond.



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