Biggest fear; growing up.
I see you; you don't see me.
But you hear; you can feel me.
Oh, take me back…
- Take you back instead
Through the earth I saw you drift
Like the sands
All at once here and there
Autumn leaves, leave
Circling through the air
Up in the sky; I'll see you leave
Independence,
It's all gone to say
Anger once took it away
I enjoy mine; you wish to have.
Prostrated on your flat
Now you sit there
But I promise
Circling through the air
I'll see you fly away
Like the autumn leaves
Soon you'll leave.
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Author:
gstoy (
Offline) - Published: November 3rd, 2017 18:00
- Comment from author about the poem: I'd like constructive criticism since I'm learning how to write :)
- Category: Reflection
- Views: 56
Offline)
Comments2
WELCOME FRIEND ~ Thanks for your first poem ! Well structured "free verse" and well spaced to facilitate reading ! A poem should be spaced to look like a POEM !
Modern Poetry does not have to rhyme but it does need rhythm ~ flow. You need to pay a bit more attention to meter (syllable counts etc) to improve the flow ~ OK.
I loved the content and the analogy between Life & love & Growing up with leaf cycle on a tree ~ and the falling leaves indicating the end of a relationship.
It happens like that ! MORE PLEASE ~ Yours Brian (UK)
Please check my poems ~ Thanks B.
Thank you so much I appreciate your feedback. I'll try to work on my rythm, I'd love to hear a little more from you (:
Brian brought some excellent pointers. Keep at it and your poetry will mature. Thsnk you for sharing.
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