I am a coward

I bleed not red but white

Rather unseen them loved

Because love to me it corrupt.

I fade into the back ground yet hate to be ignored

Introvert wishing to be an extrovert

Not even my heart knows for sure

I wonder how happiness feels

Is it light like air

Or burning like fire

Will it consume me whole

Or leave me breathless for more

I see myself in the mirror

Yet wonder who it is that looks back

The girl thousand years younger then her soul

With a mask unbroken by emotion

Empty caves only echo back doubt

For how can I ever be enough

To be loved

Even when I lie to myself that I don't want

To feel that traitous fleeting thing

I tell myself I'm happy alone

That I don't fear men, fathers

That sex isn't something

That beyond fantasy

My own hand

Makes me want to puke up my guts

Maybe I should cry

But that salty relief

Is buried deep inside

Shouldn't I be used to it

To being tossed aside

Will it ever get easier

Or will it forever

Cripple me further inside

I yearn to be acknowledged

But shrink back from eyes

So yes

I am a coward

A coward wholely dead inside

At least on the outside

But really I am

Nothing but a little girl

Curled tight

In a ball

A pathetic position

Wanting to be saved

But hoping to be left

I crave trouble

Like an alcoholic craves whiskey

Because to me the bad seem free

Like I fear

I'll never get to be

I am a coward

But that is not what I'm meant to be

I will be free

By whatever means

Because to me

Free is the only thing worthy to be.


  • AlinaVanderson

    beautifully written and powerful! keep up the good work and trudge on through the hard times!

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