And It Hurts.

Ani Vale

I want to hurt myself.
Is that weird?
I can remember the countless times,
I stared at the knives,
Sometimes even picking them up,
Bringing them close to my skin.
Tears running down my face.
But i didnt do it.
I didn't have the guts to.
I knew I would make others cry.
I want to make them happy.
So I smile.
And It hurts.
And so hide in my corner.
And bottle up feelings,
So they won't worry about me.
But still, I wake up,
Ready to smile.
It hurts.
Being the youngest,
The smartest,
The asian,
The girl,
I am pressured.
To get hand me downs.
To get the best grades.
To face prejudice,
To learn to be a housewife,
To speak out,
To confront others.
I want so badly to acheive that.
But I can't.
I am worthless.
I am a failure.
My family is a hell hole.
Parents fighting everyday,
Being practically divorced.
But they don't leave eachother,
For us. The kids.
But. When they fight,
We witness all of it.
The yelling.
And no matter how many times
I go into my room and cry,
And shake,
And pray,
And convince myself that everythings fine,
It doesn't go away.
My mother wants to kill herself.
Stop taking her meds.
And I can't do anything about anyone's suffering.
And it Hurts.
I am made of lies.
I lie to my friends,
About money.
About happiness.
About everything.
They don't know the real me.
It hurts.
I'm scared
That maybe, If I show them
The real me,
The empty,
Real me,
Will they turn away?
Yeah. They will. Won't they?
Because I'm fake.
My smiles.
My personality.
My words.
My everything.
It's fake.
And It hurts.
Despite my smiling outside,
My life,
My forced,
Fucked up life
Wants to end itself.
And it hurts.
But sometimes, I snap.
My last glimmer of hope
Maybe it's bullying.
People push me to the last nerve.
And suicide and misery
take over my brain.
And it Hurts.
Things I used to like
Are uninteresting.
I fake laugh at jokes.
And everything fades.
My life turns dull.
And it hurts.

I want to hurt myself.
Is that weird?
Kinda funny though.
Isn't it?
I can't stop it.
It pulses through me.
Something comes over me,
And it hurts.
Living in a life like this,
My poor choices
make my world hurt.
Everything I do hurts me.
And others.
My life may be stupid,
And that hurts.
But I love my
Fake life.
So much.
And for some unknown reason,
I hate myself for that.
And it hurts..

  • Author: Ani Vale (Offline Offline)
  • Published: December 18th, 2017 18:19
  • Comment from author about the poem: I dunno really. Its just a way for me to express my feelings. Sorry for any misspellings, and Im not a very good poet. Ah, whats the point. No one's going to read it anyway. I just started, and am horrible at writing. Its a bit long, so.. sorry. This is my first one as well.... i apologize for the drawing, as you can tell, I drew it. Sorry.
  • Category: Sad
  • Views: 45
  • Users favorite of this poem: SkylarNoakes
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Comments +


  • blacksheepBob

    sometimes the best way to escape our sorrow is to write it down . And that beautiful release feeds our imagination to write more . Dont worry about what people think just write for yourself . Great job showing yourself to all who read


    WELCOME ANI ~ Thanks for your First Poem ~ which I enjoyed despite the Pathos of its content ! It is real poem full of RHTHM which vibrates in every word with the SADNESS and DESPAIR in your Young Life ! I am sure you found it CATHARTIC (Releasing & Healing) to write and share this with all of us. MPS is a very empathetic site and we all care and share your multiple burdens which you outline in your poem ~ straight from you heart ! PLEASE DON'T CUT ~ That will only make things worse. Your Poem shows resolve ~ get above things DON'T LET THEM SQUEEZE YOU INTO THEIR MOULD ! I found as I got older and became more independent ~ things got better and I could be my OWN MAN as you can be your OWN WOMAN ! Thinking of YOU ~ Praying for YOU ~ YOU can overcome ~ YOU will succeed ~ Yours BRIAN (UK)

  • unknownlover

    Good Job!! This describes my complicated life. I think you did amazing. Keep up the good work. And you aren't alone. Love you girl, keep pushing through it. After a dark thunderstorm is a rainbow!!

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