Accounts From A Walmart Stockman

“What a day,” I say, but I just got to work

My bosses are crazy and customers are jerks

I walk out to the lot to start pushing carts

And a ninety year old woman lets out a butt-tearing fart

A teenage couple making out in the front seat,

A cop just swerved in, lights and sirens, having time to beat.

Another push-out, theft, they just threw the entire cart in the back of their car.

I just got their license plate, the video cameras will ensure they don’t get far

They caught a guy doing himself in produce

He better have one heck of an excuse

A couple of kids made it out with 2,000 dollars worth of stolen stuff

Five police cars responded and got six of them in cuffs

A teenage girl just yelled, “Fuck me in the ass!”

Rolling my eyes, I’m thinking, she sure is high class

Some guy came in off his mind on something hard

When he came back twice after we kicked him out, the police had him barred

A coworker stole three hundred bucks out of a purse

So the police took all of his money to ensure the owner was reimbursed

Gunshots ring out from the fence near the back

The police found 22 shells and a ziploc baggie of crack

A customer just left his cart on the sidewalk, the hundredth so far today.

Is putting the darn thing where it goes going too much out of your way?

I’m tired, but I still do enjoy my job pushing carts

At good old and crazy Walmart.