A decision made in Grief

I look across the table at an empty chair,

I wake up in an empty bed, your pillow unused and bare,

A movie night, lets snuggle up but their Daddy isn't there.

I feel your absence fiercely

It cuts me like a knife

I try to make the best of things, for our boys and my own life.

But here's the thing, here's the rub

My life is not my own; it belongs to you and always will

This house is not a home.

It's missing its most important part;

My best friend and my confidant, a father and my lover

How did I get so far from you?

How did all this start?

I'll tell you if you listen and i'll you from the heart.

July 16 it all began; I remember that fateful day,

The day that we all had our jabs for our big holiday

I was unaware; I  did not know what i was growing inside,

When I found out, full of grief and loss for what could be,

A decision made and just like that, like that our baby died.

So much to prepare for, still so much to do

There was no time for feeling glum,

I got on with what I had to for our holiday in the sun.

With hopes held high, our holiday began in a magical place of wonder,

Amazing, Beautiful and Romantic, for months I couldn't help ponder

If this would be the moment

If this would be the time

You would get down on one knee and promise to be mine.

Although I was disappointed,

I couldn't help but feel that you had hatched a different plan

And our love you would still seal.

All throughout the holiday expecting to be touched, 

Feeling desperately unattractive, did I expect too much?

Our holiday was over, no ring or passion for me,

I felt so unloved and lost and alone

Our house no longer felt like home.

You must have been grieving too,

To keep me at such a distance.

I began to question everything, 

Our love, our coexistence.

I thought asking you to leave our home would make me feel less pain.

It worked out for a little while but when it stopped I gained

the knowledge that 'I Fucked It Babe' and couldn't go back again.

The grief for baby, i'd let fester, i'd taken it in my stride

Its only now i realise it was the baby that had died

Not my love for you,

It never could, it will never waiver.

Not then, Not now, not ever more, it is always you I favour.

It burns my heart, it burns my soul knowing you are with another

You are everything that i think about, everything I need

Come home to me, come home to us, come home to your family I plead.

Mrs Beaver 2018