walls and worth

sometimes i wonder how the people with worth must feel.

you know,

the people with endless amounts of talent. 

the people with endless amounts of support systems.

the people that tell you that YOU have worth.

the ones who don't believe it.

they say these things to boast about how far they have come,

never actually intending you you to follow 

in their footsteps

as believable as their speech may be.

sometimes i sit and cry and feel every emotion as clear as the moon

and mourn 

at the loss off my successful self,

even though i still have the potential to keep her alive.

i lose motivation easily

and i gain motivation easily

and that is what it is like to live in my brain

a constant wave pool of 

"i-will-fix-this-and-every-thing-will-be-okay"

and "i-cant-even-sleep-for-nine hours-because-my-mind-continues-to-wake-me-so-how-can-i-expect-myself-to-clean-up-my-act-before-it-is-too-late"

sometimes i feel nothing 

sometimes i sit and bore a hole 

into the wall and go completely and utterly numb

i hear my name being called

but i don't answer because the state that i am in

keeps the monster from breaking the barrier

and grabbing at me

screaming "did you actually think it was going to be that easy?" in my face

and so i stay there

numb and not hearing

not seeing

not even thinking

just staring and wondering

how those people feel.

the people that tell me that i have worth.