Sensitive soul

A sensitive soul is what some say
But on the worst days,
Every fibre of my being is alight
With anger and loathing, it causes quite a fright
Until my nerves and my soul and my brain explode
I can't take it anymore, I can't carry this load.

All the troubles in my heart rise and scream
Gun powder, bullets, a flash of bright colour,
I must contain it, it cannot be seen,
This display is mine, a desolate dream

But then the worst occurs,
And emptiness sets in,
Numbness, isolation
I can't feel a thing

I'm scared of myself
And what I might do
Everything vs nothing
I'm not sure what I'd choose

The grass is always greener on the other side,
Or 6 foot under.
A war is raging inside my head
But you'd never see it
Through smiles or tears
I won't torture you with my fears.

Diagnosis didn't ease the pain
There are more questions now and nothing to gain
I speak about it to strangers in poems
But in real life, fake smiles are overflowing
I practice "I'm fine" until I almost believe it
But please, somebody see through the lies
Tell me I'll be ok, I can't tell myself
Because you can't trust what you despise