This is what makes you proud? -rant

I walked around

with my heart out loud

sharing every doubt.

You told me, to share my troubles, share my pains.

On the days where nothing I saw was black and white.

You'd said you'd lead me to light.

you said you'd feed me potions that breed happiness

that you'd send me to people who would untangle my mind

But when my brain rejected your way

you told me that I had no right

that I was overacting

that

i

was

irrelevant.

that my thoughts were useless

that all i ever said was lies.

i'd like to know,

how you can read my mind like that?

How i can give you one sentence and you can solve the war

but all you ever did we give me dead ends

and things i hated

and all you ever said to me

"its for your own good"

like somehow you know

exactly how i tick

so all this time

when you said telling you was the answer

but all I ever felt was shut down

out of control

at the will of others

and every time i said i hated it you only ever told me

i didn't understand

it was for my own good

so now i say nothing

the potions that breed happiness turned out to be poisons

they stay stuck in my veins

festering

i keep my mouth shut and tear up my insides

but i go to work

and this makes you proud

i stay up letting re runs of trauma kill my hope

but i get up early

and this makes you proud

i cut up my arms with the world gets to hard

but i wear cute clothing

and this makes you proud

i cry out my soul and tempt death

but then go back to doing school work

and this makes you proud

i make no effort to change the pain i feel eating away at my insides

but i wear a mask to hide that

and that makes you proud?

The years i spent looking for a cure

to the monsters inside my head

you weren't proud.

because all i was to you?

a dramatic teen who was in a phase.

not worth the help

because everthing that made me want to die

was nothing more than a problem

trying to get better

you have to get worse first

and that didn't make you proud