deepthoughts

THIS IS JUST TO SAY

NOTE: I am writing this for a very important school assignment. Please give me feedback, this poem is due Wednesday. I appreciate any and all feedback that I can get, please help me out guys! Thank you very much!

 

THIS IS JUST TO SAY

Music is the thing to turn to, 

Music is somewhere that you can escape,

So turn up the volume and drown out the world

And the people inside it,

You’re free from the darkness,

Let your anger unfurl.

 

You can lose yourself in the music, beware

The sweet deadly melody,

Deep, clear and liquid-slow,

Pulls at your mind; that’s how it flows.

 

Music can make you fearless, tearless,

It can even make you a superstar.

But music to me is when you see,

Who you really are.

Comments6

  • OUTBACK

    MUSIC* ! = THE PRESENCE of LIFE* ! ABSOLUTELY* ! I'M A MUSICAL* - COMPOSER* - ON MY OWN & OUTSIDE THE CONFINES* OF THE IDIOTIC* & CORRUPT* INSIDIOU$* - MEDIOCRITY* of THE MUZAK*- BU$INE$$ ! ALL ORIGINAL COMPOSITIONS* - CLASSICAL* SYMPHONIC* - STRUCTURED* WORKS*- AS WLL AS - HM* - ROCK* & WHATEVER* - I SO DESIRE* - TO EXPLORE* - WITHOUT* - HAVING TO PERFORM* - LIKE a MACHINE for THE GRAMMY WIN$*- MTV* & ALL TH E - OTHER* - DEADY* - SLEEP-WALKING* $TUFF* - OUT* & ABOUT - THESE* - DAZE* ! HA ! HOW TO PLAY MUSIC = ? ONE WORD = ( IMAGINATION )* = UNRESTRICTED*- BY WAY of ALL* - THOSE* - WHOM* - WOULD - HAVE ONESELF* - BE WTF*- THEY* - SO WANT* - YOU to BE* - AS - OPPOSED* - TO WHAT - ONE* - SO = ( IS )* ! ( FREE )* !

  • orchidee

    Good write DT. I don't usually comment on the 'poetic style' of poems as such. I'm no professional poet.
    But to try to analyse it a bit:
    * Last stanza has a bounce to it, I feel.
    * Music can be a way to express anger - turn it up loud, etc. An unusual aspect maybe. Many listen to music for the aspects of comfort and solace.
    * It also shows, I feel, how music can help, and yet it may 'back-fire': 'Let your anger unfurl', BUT, 'Beware... it pulls at your mind' such as in some hypnotic beats.
    * There is some deeper psychological thing about music too, I feel. We choose certain types of music, depending on our personalities, etc.
    * You may wish to see a couple of my hymn-poems - music included in the clips there.
    * On a deep level, somehow music can affect our spirit and our soul, I feel. So in some way, or partly so, it can help us to 'see who we really can be' - a good concluding line to your poem. Yet of course we know music is not the ONLY thing in life. It need not become obsessional, as if our whole life depended entirely on music. Not that having record (if older!) or CD collections is wrong!
    * Hope this helps!

    • deepthoughts

      Thank you. Do you have any advice or tips on words i should change or lines to change or anything?

    • Lorna

      Just a suggestion: Last line:

      Who you really are

      (picks up the rhyme of superstar)
      ?

      • deepthoughts

        Okay, thank you for that, I'll change it!

        • Lorna

          Tell us how they liked it at school?

        • orchidee

          If you see this in time - you being in USA and me in UK.
          * First line: Adjust to?: 'Music is the thing to turn to....'

          • deepthoughts

            Got it, thank you very much! I really appreciate the feedback (I got it in time). If you have anything else to add, please do! Another question, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best), what would you rate my poem? Please be honest, I won't be offended.

          • orchidee

            Well, you made it a sonnet (14 lines) as well as a poem. I would give it 8 out of 10. Let us know how you get on!

            • deepthoughts

              Okay, I will. Thank you very much!

            • deepthoughts

              Everbody, I got a good grade on this! Thank you all for helping me out and giving me tips and advice.



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