Grateful for this pain

Tonight, I would love for you to stay.

But you bitterly said

"we've got nothing left to say."

Why is this extremely emotional

and long?

I no longer know how to be strong.

I've lost all my pleasant senses

and my charming grace.

As blotches of cheap mascara

run down my inanimated face.

I'll lay motionless 

crying this very night,

with you no where near.

And marvel on the mystery

of why I am still here...

Loneliness is too much to bare.

This can't possibly be fair!

I needed you so much,

But you never cared.

Our history deludes

every part of me.

My memories are a reminder of all

we're supposed to be. 

You're blinded by your ego for all

the wrong you've done.

It hurts me so bad

that I was never going to be your number one.

You'll ignore it all and

never feel the shame.

You'd rather abandon me

And never say my name.

My agonising trails

of defeated emotions,

Are shifting my coping

effectively out of proportion.

Thoughts of you are fatiguing

my fragile mind.

Answers to important questions

It can not find.

No one knows about

This collapsing smile i disclose.

They all fail to notice,

it is unoccupied and cold.

And counterfeiting it

is becoming tiresome and old.

But it shouldn't be you that is to blame.

I should have contemplated clearly,

That your love for long hasn't been the same.

Maybe it was denial

Or maybe it was shame.

But now chasing

is insufferably Painstaking,

And My laughter is fast

Vacating.

I can feel it running

Miles away.

Departing from all

My dreams of yesterday.

Can no one see me dying

Deep inside?

And severely trying to find

A serene place to hide?

Universe please,

Don't you see me blue?

I'm lost, confused and

Running out of clues.

Maybe my subconscious

Is innocently blind and deaf,

Or this is a carefully planned

Destruction against myself.

Flash backs fabricate a smile,

But also bring back more tears.

I can't halt the demons

That have a hold on my fears.

I honestly don't know where to go

To forget all the secrets,

You'll now never know.

Why are my eyes resisting to close?

My anger against you,

I profoundly try to dispose.

Tears are descending

down my sore face.

I'll no longer request

for your warm embrace.

Don't come near me

Just let me cry

I need to find

Redressing words

To say a short adequate goodbye....

"For the love ❤️

That was Never Mine,

I mustn't complain...

Instead,

I should feel grateful

To have ever felt this pain."

FallenDreamer09