Passive-Aggressive Poem to a Friend Who Will Never Read It

Hello! A quick note before this poem: I plan to read this for my Creative Writing class at our monthly "coffeehouse" meeting. We all share a writing or two (or three) and our teacher brings in coffee, tea, apple cider and snacks. It's my favorite part about that class. Anyway, on to the free form poem (sorry it's kind of long, but I had a lot to get down)! :)

My dear friend

How do I explain what this feels like?

The feeling of knowing that I’m going to let you down?

It’s this almost nauseous feeling

I can say whatever I want when I rehearse in front of the mirror

But, my dear friend

When I imagine saying these words to your face

I can’t help but get this sinking feeling in my stomach

And my heart starts to race

And my mouth gets dry

And when I imagine standing in front of you

I see your face fall

And my words come out in bursts that I can’t control

And my throat gains that familiar lump

I want to cry as you smile and nod

And say “it’s okay”

And I know it’s fake

Because I do the exact same thing

So I know what it looks like

And as I walk away

I swear I hear you whisper

“I can’t believe she’s doing this”

Maybe it’s in my mind?

Maybe you really said it?

I can’t be sure anymore

My dear friend

When I imagine telling you over email

My heart starts to race

And my stomach churns

As I await your novella of a reply

Because I know you’re writing one

And when you do send it

It’s full of negative words

Saying that you don’t think it’s right

And that you’re sure I can juggle both things at once

EVEN THOUGH you’ve witnessed my grades AND performance ethic drop DRAMATICALLY

I love you, my dear friend

But I will no longer accept your criticism in my head

Because all it does is stay there

And guilt trip me into thinking I’m wrong

When I know I’m right

In wanting to quit my extracurricular activities

And focus on my grades instead

So that I can have more time in the evenings

To get some exercise

In the changing season

and have at least half of my credits for online schooling next year

My dear friend

What if I told you that you’d never read or hear this poem

And that no one in this room is who I intended this to be for?

What then?

Well, you’d never know how passive-aggressive I sound when I say

That I adore you and hold you dear to me

But I can’t confront you because you’ll break me down

Everyone in this room will say “that’s not a friend

That’s a toxic person”

And to them I say “this dear friend of mine means well

But they can’t seem to understand how far I’ve sunk

I can assure all of you that

They are one of my best friends…

…I think”

You see, my dear friend,

I write about you a lot

Not only about the good

but also about the bad

I wish I didn’t have to

Because you’re amazingly talented

And a wonderful person

But I can’t exactly help it

Because you’re also slightly judgmental

Especially when it comes to my decisions

We also don’t talk as much as we used to

And that scares me

Because I know how that makes you feel

And I know how that makes me feel

And neither of those feelings are very good

But I don’t know how else to feel when

You don’t invite me anywhere

And you only come to call

When you want to do something

And no one else is there to do it with you

Because you know how much I love spending time with you

And I can’t even talk to your sister

Because she’s demonstrated that she’ll tell you anything

If someone tells her not to

So, my dear friend

Remember this

You will never see or hear this poem

But I can assure you that the next time you essentially tell me I’m wrong

I’m not going to take it

And I will tell you my reasoning

And if you protest

I’ll stop you and say

“My life, my goals, my decisions, my dedication

And if you don’t like it

I’m sorry, but it’s not your life to lead.”

Thank you, my dear friend, and I love you.