Miscarriage and the lesson learned

I would like to thank you

For leaving me to my grief

My only company the dead baby in my belly

Because you had more important things to do

Like go out drinking, for what I think is the sixth time this week.

And for saying what good friends we are, best friends

How perhaps we should date, raise our child together

But I guess now the fate of the child is sealed 

The carrier doesn’t matter so much 

I would like to thank you 

For admitting you didn’t know what to say

For not asking me how I am 

But instead just changing the subject 

Sometimes you don’t need to say anything 

Sometimes silence is the best solution

Just let the feelings hang in the air until they can settle

Just be there

But clearly you thought it best to talk about your new potential fuck interest 

Your new job your friends your plans 

Anything but my feelings 

So I left. It’s better to feel alone when you are actually alone

Then to be made to feel alone by you 

You didn’t even consider staying with me for a second did you? 

Because even when i am in a crisis, in an emotional emergency 

I am not your priority. Because your situation is more pressing

Then the miscarriage I have to wait patiently, silently for 

I’m glad you’re out enjoying yourself

Unconcerned that I have cried all evening

But I am simply not your problem

I just am a problem 

But I’m glad for this life lesson 

That just because you said you would be there

You’re not

That you would only date me out of obligation, 

To settle 

That no matter what i give to you and no matter how i need you

I am not enough. You will not be there 

A lesson that I can fall apart alone

Confused and scared and angry and numb 

But ultimately I can pick myself up 

That through my grief I can see this 

See that I will get through this 

And I don’t need you to be there 

A lesson that I have learned myself 

Not because of you 

But because I am strong by myself 

I am wise enough to reach this conclusion 

In spite of the magnanimity of miscarriage 

The repercussions and regret and remorse 

I will be ok 

Without you 

I will be ok 

Despite having fallen apart 

All of my pieces have worth 

They may not go back together quite the same

But they’ll be stronger due to my determination

To make them so 

I will never forget this trauma

I will never forget my baby who couldn’t be

I will never forget your absence in my horror 

But I will be ok. With myself. Without you.