My Moms Grave

yesterday was the first time i saw my moms grave since the funeral a little over 3 years ago.

as i was in the passenger seat of my dads car driving into the cemetery i got emotional.

i got out of the car and i walked to her grave.

this was the first time ive been up there since she died.

ive never seen the tomb stone.

it just feels so surreal.

i hadnt stared to cry yet until me and my father started to pray and thats when i started balling my eyes out.

i literally cried in my fathers arms and said "i hate the thought of knowing shes buried in the ground..

decaying!!!

and i kept thinking to myself why just why??!!

i hate the thought of her being buried 6 feet into the ground decaying and i cant do anything about it.

i hate the thought of this because how could my mother one of the most wonderful and beautiful women in this world be slowly decaying when she could still be with us.

it felt so unreal i wanted to start digging into the ground with my bare hands.

i would do anything to get one last hug,

one last kiss on the cheek,

and one last "i love you too"

its strange when time passes by so quickly that the memories slowly fade.

ive met someone who has had the same cancer as my mom and that person is a survivor.

and i ask myself and god why couldnt my mom be a survivor too??!!

why didnt my mom survive??!!

i guess the good die young 

people come into this world and god has a plan for their lives...

and i guess my mom had done her part in this world.

i guess she had succeeded in gods plan for her because she never deserved to die.

it just felt so unreal...

like it was a joke,

like she was going to walk into the house at any second and say "gotcha!"

but it never happened.

as i was crying..

as i was shedding tears into the ground of her grave..

i could feel her presence with me...

all around me...

i miss her!!!

i cried for an hour when i got home,

i looked through my photo album,

i looked at the last 2 birthday cards she gave me on my 13th and 14th birthday.

as i was walking away from her grave to get back into the car..

i looked back and said "i love you momma"