Relapse

I’ve considered myself in recovery from my eating disorder for one year

But lately things have been getting hard

Find myself on thinspo websites 

And proana forums

Last week I purged for the first time in a year

And I felt like such a failure 

That I did it again a few days later

Today I keep making excuses not to eat

Went for a walk when I felt hungry

Guzzled water to fill the emptiness

I lost 7 pounds in three days

And I was so happy I thought I might burst

When I gained it back I stood in front of the mirror and cried

I don’t remember the first time I declared war on this body

This was suppose to be the year of eating with out knowing where the bath rooms are 

But I still notice where all the bathrooms are

I still count calories 

And stick my fingers down my throat 

And I don’t know how to stop

I don’t know how to stop

I don’t know how to stop being sick

I’m afraid to stop being sick

I don’t know the girl behind the sicknesses 

This sickness is what defines me

But I wanna be what defines me

So I must figure out how to stop

Being

Sick