Relapse

IndisClaire

I’ve considered myself in recovery from my eating disorder for one year

But lately things have been getting hard

Find myself on thinspo websites 

And proana forums

Last week I purged for the first time in a year

And I felt like such a failure 

That I did it again a few days later

Today I keep making excuses not to eat

Went for a walk when I felt hungry

Guzzled water to fill the emptiness

I lost 7 pounds in three days

And I was so happy I thought I might burst

When I gained it back I stood in front of the mirror and cried

I don’t remember the first time I declared war on this body

This was suppose to be the year of eating with out knowing where the bath rooms are 

But I still notice where all the bathrooms are

I still count calories 

And stick my fingers down my throat 

And I don’t know how to stop

I don’t know how to stop

I don’t know how to stop being sick

I’m afraid to stop being sick

I don’t know the girl behind the sicknesses 

This sickness is what defines me

But I wanna be what defines me

So I must figure out how to stop

Being

Sick

  • Author: IndisClaire (Offline Offline)
  • Published: July 21st, 2018 15:39
  • Category: Unclassified
  • Views: 17
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Comments +

Comments1

  • Rainbow

    hello. I am sorry your struggle with this. i too know what it is like to struggle with a mental illness. Relapsing from any type of mental illness does not make you a failure

    • IndisClaire

      thank you. I am doing much better now i wrote this about a month ago. I am taking new meds for the eating disorder and am coming along in recovery nicely.

      • Rainbow

        that is so positive. well done.



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