Comments received on poems by vhawlalawream
The Lonely Road
Bobby O said:
This needs a rewrite. Solid sentiment but it seems that you wrote down sentences without really applying an artistic technique. Change some of the structure. Instead of just saying what had happened , invest some effort to draw the reader in by explaining how it makes you feel.
So, instead of just writing
All these days have passed me by, without you by my side.
Maybe ( your own words and feeling will be better than mine) say
Enduring days, a certain permanent imprint , a deeply inked Caligraphy left evidence on my body and soul , displayed to view while it begs a relief , s loneliness ended , quenched with our shared desires.
It’s over written purposely to spark your interest in adjusting approach. Please know I offer these words w inert intent and w respect for love of the art.
April 25th, 2023 00:43
Bobby O said:
This needs a rewrite. Solid sentiment but it seems that you wrote down sentences without really applying an artistic technique. Change some of the structure. Instead of just saying what had happened , invest some effort to draw the reader in by explaining how it makes you feel.
So, instead of just writing
All these days have passed me by, without you by my side.
Maybe ( your own words and feeling will be better than mine) say
Enduring days, a certain permanent imprint , a deeply inked Caligraphy left evidence on my body and soul , displayed to view while it begs a relief , s loneliness ended , quenched with our shared desires.
It’s over written purposely to spark your interest in adjusting approach. Please know I offer these words w inert intent and w respect for love of the art.
April 25th, 2023 00:43
