Paper Airplanes in Chemistry

You taught me to make paper airplanes,

We were in Chemistry.

In between labs and worksheets

You laughed when I told you

As if you didn't believe

The girl next to you didn't know,

The girl you've known for all this time,

This girl you grew up with

I watched your eyes twinkle with humor.

You taught me the basic folds.

The teacher was displeased

Her star student,

Her best pupil,

Was now a rebel,

Throwing paper across the room.

You seemed happy when I was

The first time mine flew

I still can recall

The smile on your face

When my eyes twinkled with hope

You taught me paper airplanes in Chemistry.

The boy I've known for years

The one who kept me calm

The one who kept me safe.

You kept me warm some days

With just a simple arm on my shoulders

I was your one who got away,

But you changed.

And changing made me leave.

As children we laughed and played

You kept me company,

Unlike everyone else.

You never left my side

You were my best friend.

You helped me through crushes

And broken hearts

With a longing look in your eyes

We shared one dance.

But then you gave me to your best friend

Would you have if I said no?

What if I wanted to stay there

In your arms again

After so many years

You

The boy who taught me paper airplanes

I'll never forget middle school

Our dance to "Livin' on a Prayer"

We didn't care who saw

We just wanted to have fun

The sparkle in your eyes

I miss it

We used to be so close

What happened to that boy?

The one who danced with me

The one who always made sure I was okay

The one who wanted me.

You taught me paper airplanes in Chemistry

You were the first

The first to make my heart skip

The first to make my cheeks pink

The first to make me feel wanted

You were all of those,

Even when we were kids.

You changed

I miss the way you were

When you were my friend.

When you taught me paper airplanes

You're so different now

Since my trauma

Like you no longer wanted me

We stopped being close

Once you found out

I was no longer the same

He changed me

I was trying to change back

But my anxieties prevented it

I needed my clarity

I needed my best friend

My longest friend.

After graduation,

I dreamt about you

You were leaving me

Going across the world

I held you close and refused to let go

I kissed your lips and begged.

Begged for you to stay

But you left anyway

That dream, I'll never forget

It was my mind telling me you were gone

That you were no longer the same

You were no longer mine

You were not the same boy

As the one who taught me paper airplanes

I saw you after that dream

It was all by chance

You were walking down the sidewalk

With a mutual friend

I saw him first

But blushed when I saw you

You silently waved

You didn't look happy to see me

That day I saw how much you changed

You were doing things you didn't like

At least, you didn't like them then

When we were friends

When you were unofficially mine

I miss those days

Even graduation was awkward

I asked for a picture

You barely put your arm around me

You used to be much less formal

You used to be more friendly

I don't know what changed

I want to know

What had happened

To that boy

My boy

Who taught me to make paper airplanes

I will never forget these things

Our slow dance

Our "Livin' on a Prayer" dance

When we got in trouble

Our excuse of "Conserving body heat"

You apologizing

You could feel me shivering

My head on your shoulder

Your head on mine

It was oddly cold for a late spring day

What happened to that version of you?

I feel like it wasn't growing up

I feel like it was on purpose

A way to push me away

A way to remove me slowly

To make sure I didn't see

What you were becoming

Without me

Without our friendship

I will never forget our first and last dance

I let you lead

I looked you in the eyes

A bright smile on my lips

Even you seemed happy

You spoke calmly

Quietly

About how I should stop worrying

How I wasn't going to step on your feet

How pretty I looked

How lucky my boyfriend was

How he was missing out on something

Missing out on me

Missing out on this dance

How happy you were to take his place

I was happy too

I should have told you

I wonder if that would have changed things

That was the last time we danced

You handed me off to your friend

You watched quietly

I kept looking back at you

As I danced with him

Farther away

Not looking him in the eyes

Barely speaking

I kept looking at you

The boy who taught me love

Who taught me paper airplanes.

You'll never know how much that night meant

I wish I could tell you

How you made me feel

How you made me blush

I never wanted it to end

You should have kept me in your arms

I should have stayed right there

Letting you lead

Letting you sway me

Close enough to feel your heart beating

Was it always that fast around me?

Or was it from the excitement of the night

You offered me your jacket

When I was freezing outside

Even when I said no

You didn't want me too cold

So you stayed close

Your jacket on your arm

As if waiting for me to ask

I should have

My dress flowing in the wind

You next to me

Calm and collected

My heart pounding

This boy from my childhood

Was being my protector

Making sure I wasn't alone

You made sure I didn't feel the breeze

You held your jacket around me

Blocking the frigid air

My curls bounced as I smiled at you

That night, you were everything to me

Everything I ever wanted

Everything I ever knew

Everything that made me happy

Everything that was mine.

The boy who taught me paper airplanes

He was you

If you'll ever read this, who knows

But if you do

I still think of you

And how we were

Your short hair, soft and shiny

Your eyes shining behind your glasses.

The way you always smiled around me

The worry when you could tell I was sad

You used to want the best for me

Even if you thought it wasn't you

But now that it's not

It makes me think

What could have been?

Would we have ever been more?

Or were we doomed to stay friends?

People told me you liked me

But I ignored them

Told them we're just close friends

That we were since childhood

What if I took the chance on you?

Would we be the same?

Would things be different?

Would they be worse?

Are we better having grown apart?

Do you miss me too?

Do you ever think about our slow dance?

Or what about "Livin' on a Prayer"?

If I'm alone, I still dance to it

The way we used to

You liked to hear me sing along

You loved my excitement

We loved to dance along

Do you ever think of those times?

Do you ever think about

When you taught me paper airplanes?

I think about it all the time.

I still remember your voice

Which isn't something I do

Other voices blend together

But yours stands out

For a good reason

Because you were my friend

You were my crush

You were my love

You were my dance partner

You taught me paper airplanes in Chemistry.