Im Scared To Grow Up

its scary to think about how back in 9th grade i thought i would never see the day i was happy.

its scary to think about how back in 9th grade i never thought i would live to see the day i graduate high school.

i always said if things get so bad, 

if i fail, 

if i no longer make a difference in the world or any ones life..

i would kill myself and give up.

in 9th grade i didnt think i would live to even see my first day of junior year.

sometimes i still think to myself if i hit rock bottom..

i will die but that all changed...

life went on..

but here i am still terrified to graduate and grow up because to be honest...

i dont know if i can do it..

i dont know if ill be able to pull it off..

go to college,

pass with a certificate or associates degree,

pay my phone bill, clothes, student loans, an apartment, car bills, gas...

i still dont even have a steady job yet.

ive only had one job.

if i could i would take a year off and get a job and save my money so i can start paying for things little by little.

back in 9th grade and 10th grade i just couldnt imagine my future..

i couldnt vision me living long enough to even write this poem let alone going to college and growing up.

im not sure if i can grow up and be an adult all on my own successfully...

because i cant rely on my dad all the time.

there will come a time where i wont have him there by my side when i need him and i wont have anyone to ask for help.

im terrified that im not going to grow up successfully and proud.

im afraid im going to fail thats why i said in 10th grade i dont want to go to college..

because im afraid.

i wish i could go back to being a little kid.

if i could i would die...

i would kill myself for a day and then wake up the next day..

and thats where my get away in plattsburgh takes place in my life.

sometimes i wish i could go there and not tell anyone and see if anyone cared i was gone.

i went to new jersey for a day..didnt tell alot of people..

but no one even bothered to ask when i came back.

i asked how many people asked where was i or even if they noticed i was gone.

and only a couple people asked and noticed but thats my point...

no one cared enough to wonder if something happened because im in school every single day.

i would love to go somewhere for a week..

and see how many people actually cared that i was gone