August 22nd 2020

i thought i trusted you

and now because of what you did, im caustious with everyone

it took me months to realize 

well thats a lie, i knew what was happening as it happened 

but i guess it took me months to really process it and i will never stop processing it

as time goes on im starting to share my story little by little

starting to accept it as time passes

and apparently im not the only one youve done this to

knowing this sucks 

but yet validates my story even more

i still dont know all the little details but i got validation that it could be 99% true 

youre absolutely disgusting

i was willing to do it and i did prior 

you didnt have to drug me, roofy me, to get to me

and just 10 minutes before you took my clothes off,

i told you as i was trippin on whatever you laced your weed with.

"this better not be like the movies where the guy takes advantage of a drunk girl"

after hearing me say that you still chose to take my pants and underwear off

and i felt frozen 

i couldnt speak

i couldnt move

i was in shock of what was happening 

you didnt notice but 

i shed a tear as i rocked back and forth from your bodily force

it wasnt aggressive 

but it was traumatizing 

ever since then every time i smoke i get so much anxiety

and i get so many flashbacks from that day

i remember smoking on the couch

and when i stood up it instantly kicked in 

i remember walking into the garage and the next im in your bed

hearing every little sound

having anxiety seizures

thinking to myself that youre gonna do something bad to me 

but never did i think you were going to rape me

when i think about what you did to me,

i get so vulnerable and want to share my story 

but yet im so closed off and will want to take back sharing anything

there was a period of time where i thought about it every single day

surprisingly ive only cried about it twice within a year and a half

the next time i smoked with you and you tried to take my pants off,

i had the courage to say no 

and you turned around in your bed and called me a "fucking bitch"

i will never forget when i was completely sober you wanted me to go down on you

aggressively pushing and forcing my head down 

as i kept saying no a thousand times and stop a thousand times

and trying to push your hands off my head

and as i was hanging half off the bed you saw an opportunity to pin me down

and shove your dick in my face 

being unable to sit up to escape from you 

and to think you almost met my family 

they dont know a single thing about what you did to me 

and i dont think they ever will 

i thought i felt safe with you 

but i guess thats what the devil wanted me to think