finding soul

In the want of finding myself

I began the exact process.

As I dug,

I found the golden light.

the raw material of soul.

loosening out of my hard shell of a human

becoming clean from my ego,

and shedding my materialistic scales.

at the very edge of this path

I reached out my hand

ready to grab what was gifted to me

but

I slipped

falling into a pothole.

but this pothole ended up being 18 feet deep

each foot I fell down

was a new past year of my life.

an ever-lasting journey into shame,

guilt, self-hatred.

pain and more pain shooting into my being.

re-experiencing and re-watching re-runs

like an old tragic film.

as I reached the rock bottom

I held no more pain

but I left a crater of it.

this exact pain was putting weight on my stomach as I fell

helping this gravitational pull to my wits end.

As I sat there,

I looked up in pure distraught

feeling completely and utterly stuck

Lost and confused.

trapped within my own skin.

how can I fathom a plan of recovery and resurrection 

when it's seemingly impossible.

I traveled through time

falling deep into my own despair.

I sat for days,

for weeks

completely crippled by fear and depression. 

Until i wiggled my fingers

wiggled my toes

and reached around for something. anything.

and in that,

I found my roots,

strong foundation.

dirt, bugs and small plants.

I found life.

As I looked up,

the life I saw surrounded me.

this is where I grew.

this is where it stems

And I can climb this tree

to feel breeze and sunlight once more.

once I reach this rooftop of the treehouse I built subconsciously,

I find this light once more in the palm of my hand.

only realizing it was there the entire time

and once more

I'm grateful to feel such pain that has brought me deep reconciliation

understanding, and growth.