affair

I am having an affair 

on the future with my 

1. I let her seduce me 

into a chance to write 

something meaningful. 

I allow her to press her 

lips to my neck, to leave 

reminders of things long 

forgotten, to completely 

destroy me for one last 

night. 

I say that every time, 

but I know it will not be 

the last time. She will 

find her way back in my 

bed some day, I will find 

myself back in her arms- 

in her claws. 

She does not deserve 

to be painted as a villain. 

She does not know I 

plan to live tomorrow. 

She does not know the 

name of my college major 

or the friends on the other 

side of my phone. She 

is hurting and she is 

suffering and most of 

all, she is numb. And I 

use her to try and feel 

the same. 

What is worse than 

using someone to feel 

better- than using 

someone just to feel 

worse?

I am having a one-night 

stand with my middle 

school sweetheart. I 

say we are strangers 

but her number is saved 

in my phone. She is my 

emergency contact for 

when things go off into 

the shallow end of the 

pool. She is the only one 

to make me feel both 

everything and nothing 

at all. She is the only one 

to bring me to tears and 

forget my own name. She

is the only one who can 

truly bring me to the brink 

of the end- and yet never 

go over the side. 

I vent about my sins to 

my accountability partner, 

but the pill bottle stays 

quiet. I am seeking for 

advice that is right in front 

of my eyes. You cannot 

save someone who does 

not want to be saved. 

I fill up a diary with all 

the mistakes I make 

with her and I label it art. 

I am neither drunk nor 

sober- I am neither 

heartbroken nor high. 

I call her up anyway. 

She never fails to answer, 

yet this time she does 

not pick up. I keep calling, 

I drive to her favorite bar, 

I reminisce over things

better left in the past. 

I can not find her- she 

leaves my existence on 

read. 

I am getting ghosted 

by my only and only 

mistress. How lonely 

do you have to be for 

your depression to 

leave you too?