Rocky Lagou

MY SILENT PROTEST (A Rant Against My Homophobic Father)

Where do I begin?

 

My mom passed away when I was only 13.

My father left the house when I was 5 after my mom roared

At him to “Go!”

He went up to the second floor and kissed my sleeping face one last time.

 

Huh! Serves him right.

 

The visits were off-and-on after then.

Until it reached a period of 5 years of silence.

Never did my bond with my father grow since the divorce.

 

So why am I telling you this?

 

Well, when I was 13 my mom’s fight with a decade-long cancer

spread to her brain.

Two days before her birthday,

She died.

 

It just so happened to be that my father decided to make a “comeback”

Into my life two months prior to her passing.

 

So, guess who took custody of the motherless minor?

My father.

 

A man who I had only known through the vague memories I had of him.

Through photographs tucked away in grandma’s dainty cabinets.

A man who had abandoned me for 5 years.

A man I wanted nothing to do with.

 

This man came into my life after years of silence

And decided to turn everything around.

This was his chance to prove that he was a good father,

But the act only aggravated the resentment held within me.

 

He was an alcoholic,

Started at the age of 13.

His life was the definition of “turmoil

And now he wanted to raise me.

 

He was the one who broke the news about my mom.

We went to the mall, had breakfast, and we idled the day away.

Until the words came out his mouth,

Yesterday, your mother went to Heaven

 

I paused,

And began to think about all the interpretations of that sentence.

I wasn’t sure if I heard him right.

I still wanted to have hope, but it clicked.

 

Something inside me changed forever that day.

 

With nothing else to do

I hugged my father,

And wept.

 

My despair was too much for me to handle.

But just like that, I now had a new life.

A life in my father’s house.

A life that will define the person I will grow to be.

 

So that’s how it played out,

For a whole year I stayed silent.

I tried to visit my grandma as much as I could,

Anything to try to escape reality.

 

My father had stripped me from lifelong friends.

He had taken all my hobbies and fervent passions

And discarded them in a bin of ego.

 

No longer was I the same person,

I had to endure these hardships on my own,

As he distanced me from my mom’s side of the family.

 

I had become a “statue”

According to him and his wife.

My stepmother was something straight out of

Cinderella.

 

Her maltreatment with me was unfair and undue.

I couldn’t even lift a spoon without her screaming at me.

She was volatile and explosive.

And I deliberately always called her by her name, never “stepmom.”

 

But all this silence

One day was altered.

 

One day,

After a heated argument with my father and his wife.

She kicked him out of the house, with me tagging along.

She stayed alone in the apartment with my two younger siblings.

 

So flashforward one week,

And they now want to make up.

They went to church to seek advice,

And they both came out entirely different beings.

 

My father had dropped his addiction with liquor.

He was now a last-minute saint,

Fearing the coming of The Rapture.


As for his wife,

She became slightly more considerate.

But that’s as far as it went,

She still had a burning anger towards me.

 

So, all this backstory is to come to this point in my life I’m

At now.

 

After my father discovered my sexual orientation

In an invasive manner.

 

It’s been tension since then.

 

He looks at me differently.

He talks to me differently.

 

Although my father has been a terrible figure in my life,

My nature can’t help but feel sympathy.

 

Although he has made me silenced,

He never fails to say, “I love you.”

 

Although he was absent for so many years,

He’s trying to make the most of me now.

 

And I see his desperation.

 

He already knows I’m leaving at the age of 18,

Because I told him!

 

I told him how he made me feel,

But he still doesn’t fully comprehend it.

 

I explained to him that when I’m with him I feel so unloved.

That all these restrictions and boundaries,

All the “do’s” and “don’ts

Are suffocating me!

 

But he still doesn’t comprehend it.

 

This Christly way of being,

Is dismantling me of my being.

 

It’s ascetism on full display.

It’s dogmatic principles that I have to obey.

 

The “taboos” are forbidden,

Feared,

Loathed,

God-forbid-you-do-it-or-else-you’re-doomed-to-Hell!

 

And I am that “taboo!”

 

Just because of who I love and who I am

My father rejects me,

Banishes me,

Eliminates me from existence!

 

I am no longer a face in the frame.

 

Shame on me!

 

You said to my own face that you won’t “accept” me

But that you’ll “respect” me.

 

Bullsh!t!

 

How can you say you love someone and respect them but then go on

To say that you don’t “accept” them?!

 

Damn, pick a side.

 

I don’t want your bluffs of endearment.

I want you to say you love me with conviction!

 

I don’t want your words to be soaked in deceit!

They’re double-edged blades coming out your mouth!

 

I’m an outcast in your eyes.

There’s no room for me in your image of life.

You call me a “sin” and that I chose this life.

 

But the reality is, we are born to fight!

 

You can call me whatever you want,

But I know who I am.

I own the conviction you lack,

I’m able to say that I love who I love, and I know my identity.


And that’s already far more than you can do.

 

You see,

Though you bring me down and make me inferior

Because of my preference

Because I am GAY.

 

(Yes I said it, GAY.

What, does the word make you uncomfortable?

Go on, say it, say the truth your Bible teaches you to do.

I know you get jittery when I’m around. I know you think

I’m a monster. An alien creature from a different planet, trying to

brainwash the youth. But the thing is, it's all in your narrow mind.)

 

You don’t own me,

Just because your my father doesn’t entitle

You to belittle my existence.

 

You see, I’m only writing this because today I had the last straw.

I pressed my hand into my chin, and you said “STOP

 

“I want you to act like a man around me, your influencing my son!”

 

You see that right there shows your true nature.

 

You're bothered by the little things.

 

A simple gesture of boredom was classified as “feminine” for you and

you automatically replied with a defense mechanism.

Going as far as neglecting the relationship between me and my little

Brother by calling him “my son” (To you I’m a monster)

 

You want to make me a robot,

A marionette which you control from above.

A macho man that is the embodiment of masculinity.

 

Even basic things like movement you want to control.

 

You’re a domineering maniac and you expect for me to comply.

 

I won’t abide,

Not to your rigid rules,

Nor to your way of life.

 

Because I know who I am,

I know that I just want to spread kindness

Wherever I go.

I know that I have a soul that is worth more than yours.

 

And I’m not saying that out of vanity,

It’s because I’m an open-minded being

That is concerned with other people’s sensitivity.

I’m tactful and will only respond with love even if hate is what I’m receiving.

 

And you see,

That’s why I love you dad.

Though we are two different beings,

With two obvious distinct ways of life.

 

I DON’T hate you.

Though it’s what you may think, all I ever wanted was

A GOOD relationship with you.

 

That although I am no longer a face in the frame for you,

That I can at least be seen as a human.

That despite my sexuality you can love me AND accept me.

Because with you and your madness, I accept you.

 

I have nothing against faith,

MY MOM was a Christian.

 

But when you begin to squeeze me down into nothing,

Try to make me compact enough to fit into your ideology,

Attempt to strip me of everything that I am,

That is when you cross the line.

 

So, I’ve become more aloof around you,

I don’t talk back because I know I’m talking to a brick wall.

 

I’m just preparing you for the loss you repressed.

 

This is my silent protest.

  • Author: Rocky Lagou (Offline Offline)
  • Published: February 9th, 2022 11:50
  • Comment from author about the poem: I know this is a long one, but please read it till the end. I want to know what you thought of this one. Probably one of the most personal pieces I've written. It came from a place of pain.
  • Category: Family
  • Views:
  • User favorite of this poem: bubblehead95.

Comments5

  • FallenAngel1πŸ•Š

    ..."will only respond with love,even if hate is what I'm receiving..." Talk about taking the high road! This line reminds me of a line,..and I quote, "kill it with kindness"-Jackie Robinson. Bravo!πŸŒΉπŸ€—βœŒοΈπŸ•Š You've penned a great piece.

    • Rocky Lagou

      Thank you so much for the comment! I feel like fighting "fire with fire" will only stir up more chaos, so if someone's throwing stones at you, you should throw roses back. Now of course, if you need to speak up and make a point clear, then by all means do so. But I definitely believe that if you treat others with love, then love will eventually find its way to you; even if it's not in the moment. Stay safe! πŸ’–πŸ‘

      • FallenAngel1πŸ•Š

        So true,what comes around goes around. Stay safe,and positive. CheersπŸ»πŸ•Š

      • _m_ostwanted

        You're loved Rocky!! ❀️

        • Rocky Lagou

          Thanks so much! This is so sweet. You are loved too! πŸ’–πŸ‘

        • spilleronsheet

          A very emotional write
          Courageous to write and proud as an audience to read the honest feels
          Each one is special
          A special child of God
          And to him it’s not about norms and rituals
          To him initially is to love oneself
          To cherish the feels of oneself
          There will be fire
          There will be pain
          There will be anguish
          When you take some different lane
          But it’s alright be patient enough
          Times are changing so shall the norms
          Where kindness rests, a beautiful sun shall shine
          And truly a rainbow shall greet after a downpour

          • Rocky Lagou

            Thank you so much for the response! It's reassuring to hear your words of consolation, and I'm happy to hear that you felt the emotion in this poem; it definitely was a big weight off my shoulders. I'll hold on to your words, and continue to live out life until the rainbow begins to arise. Thanks once again, have a wonderful day! πŸ’–πŸŒŸπŸŒˆ

          • Ok Waleed

            Have you found forgiveness

            • Rocky Lagou

              Well, it's been quite a while that I've been living with my father and he still hasn't come to terms with the fact that I am who I am, period. So, although he continues to say that he "respects me," he's made it very clear that he won't accept who I am. So, it's hard to deal with ignorant people like him but it's a road I just have to navigate. So no forgiveness has not come up. But I still love my father despite his narrow-mindedness, at the end of the day, he's my only parent alive. πŸ˜”

              • Ok Waleed

                Find forgiveness… it’ll all be easier

              • Christina8

                Rocky this brought me to tears. I just can't imagine! You being gay has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. By that I mean it's their issue. The bible tells us to love and that's just what I do...hell, even my best friend is gay. no one is going to hell over this ok? But your father somehow views you being gay as a failure on his part, well thats his f*cking problem, not yours. So glad you are getting out of there at 18! I tell my kids I love them no matter what they do and what they don't do.....they think we're amazing parents but the truth is we mess up like everybody. You are loved, Rocky Lagou!! Don't you forget it!!

                • Rocky Lagou

                  Dear Christina thank you so much for taking the time to read this lengthy poem of mine, it's definitely the most personal one I've written. Your words speak so much truth and show so much sympathy that I don't have the words to share my gratitude. The Bible does indeed say "you shall love your neighbor as yourself" and I'm so delighted to see that your an ally of the LGBTQ+. Currently there's so much intense persecution and marginalization against them. It's downright disgusting. Just because of who we love or who we are there'll be people who want to diminish us and even go as far as to physically assault. I pray for better days where there are more parents, like you, who are open-minded and give their children liberty to live out their lives. I'm truly touched to see you were touched by my words, it's currently a tough situation I'm living in, but everyday I'm pressing on and keeping the faith. I have hope in better days. Thanks abundantly Christina from the bottom of my heart for your words, have a wonderful day!

                  • Christina8

                    You are most welcome, Rocky!



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