The Chair.

Doggerel Dave


Not long ago I bought a shower chair -

(My feet move away but I won’t let them go;

They require attention to stave off wear,

I use the chair to reach them, every toe.)


Surprise! The chair arrives as a flat pack;

And so extraction from its cardboard box

Takes half an hour; I’ve no tools, no knack…

Yet more fun to come - a further approx

Twenty minutes to locate a missing screw.

Instructions assume I’m illiterate -

Diagrams only. Decision by who?

Three hours later I’d like to tell them straight….


……. But I’ll spare you the ugly detail – this ends now.


(Warm shower needed after – and not just to check the chair. Sticking plasters found at back of bottom sink drawer.)

…..And I still must get rid of the cardboard…

  • Author: Doggerel Dave (Pseudonym) (Offline Offline)
  • Published: December 2nd, 2022 03:21
  • Comment from author about the poem: No rhythm – disjointed lines; no rhythm – disjointed construction.
  • Category: Unclassified
  • Views: 40
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  • Fay Slimm.

    Ah - - Yes I relate to your rant my friend - - this read brought my first wry laugh of the day - I know the feeling dear Dave where hours of unwrapping and missing screws give "fun" a new meaning - -- no disjointed rhythm about this piece of witty outcry. Hoping your shower-chair has not yet let you down...............

    • Doggerel Dave

      Patience a virtue and all that, it became abundantly clear to me that I'm not a very virtuous person, Fay. I do hope you are not too disillusioned...... But thanks for the call.. I thought I was lost......

    • Neville

      I dunno whether you have ever seen or heard of the beloved yet incessantly bemoaning Victor Meldrew, the male lead in the tv comedy series One Foot in the Grave .. but I reckon you are turning into him you old dog ... Anyway, on this occasion, you make some very valid points under the unfortunate circumstances you outline & I feel sure that I would share them .. However, having now got that off my chest, I just wanna point out that I thought this was extremely cool and the tone of it would make permafrost look tame 🙂

      • Doggerel Dave

        "I don't believe It" - a phrase ofttimes on the tip of my tongue as inflicted upon me is the demand that I print my own tickets for all manner of events and journeys and pack my own goods at the supermarket and buy a pass for a bus journey from a newsagent two blocks away and.....
        Anyway I feel marginally comforted by the thought that someone in this world might have a vague smattering of an idea of my plight, Nev......

      • orchidee

        A missing screw?
        My picnic (me) is missing a sandwich. I'm a sandwich short of a picnic! lol.

      • orchidee

        Or - you could do the 'empty chair therapy. Neville knows all about it.

        • Doggerel Dave

          If it weren't for my feet, the chair would remain empty or out for the next council rubbish collection. there is no love lost....

        • crypticbard

          Horrible when the shower chair disassembled itself mid-shower! But a very useful device to prevent bathroom falls.

          • Doggerel Dave

            It won't. 'Missing' screw was in that state because the thread in the chair was shot - fixed with some 'Superglue'..

          • sorenbarrett

            I've always had problems with these put together yourself items, the instructions are more misleading that helpful and sometimes the diagrams assume you have a forth dimensional view.

            • Doggerel Dave

              The diagrams were hopeless - incomprehensible in fact. I used what I fondly think of as reason and logic to get there, but may in fact have been more fumbling around until by accident....
              This in fact is the reason why I furnished my place with second hand goods from junk shops plus similar sources and avoided IKEA.

            • Bella Shepard

              I commiserate with your rant. Now in the good old days, I mean really old, instructions were very comprehensive, and parts neatly marked. What have we come to? A frustrating experience for you, but a fun read for me, couldn't help chuckling.

              • Doggerel Dave

                A wee bit of schadenfreude every now and again is only human Bella, and I won't take it to heart or hold it against you....🙂

              • Goldfinch60

                I know where you are coming from Dave and written instructions are becoming rare nowadays.


                • Doggerel Dave

                  In truth it's the World Order, Andy - the same item gets shipped to every nook and cranny of the world. .....................Multiple languages...

                • Paul Bell

                  Flat pack is like a jail sentence.
                  Though there's bound to be someone in jail that can put it together.

                  • Doggerel Dave

                    Yeh well I put form B714 'Compassionate Circumstances' in, and allowed time for a decision but they wouldn't release me girlfriend to help me put me right bits into the right places....

                    • Paul Bell

                      Hate that. lol

                    • PoetVids - I am WriteBeLight only in Video Version :)

                      I have one of those! Mine came the same way and needed the same effort to assemble. But, I like mine! Great fun to read DD!

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