I Can't Stop Thinking

I can't stop thinking of

What they'll feel when I'm

Gone. When my bones are

Laid in the Earth, and my 

Time is done.

I can't stop thinking of

Their grief; of the way they

Might fall. Or maybe their

Guilt, because what if they

Could have stopped it?

I can't stop thinking of

The words I'll never 

read; the Love I'll never have,

Capital "L". Of the sunrises I'll miss,

Or a violin's sweet harmony.

I can't stop thinking of

The memories,

The moments,

The crying

The laughter.

I can't stop thinking of

Long car rides, and

Music so loud you can't

Hear anything

Later.

I can't stop thinking of

My mama, and how maybe

She'll cry harder than

The last time, when her

Parents died.

I can't stop thinking of

My brother, because I think

A lifetime is too long to

Go without your sister and

Buying Safeway corn dogs together.

I can't stop thinking of

How maybe it won't be

Worth it in the end,

How all my work will

Be for nothing.

But I can't stop thinking of

How maybe it will be.

Of how I'll get my green

corduroy couches and my

black-and-white tiled kitchen.

I can't stop thinking of

How I'll get my air fryer, 

And my succulent-filled

Apartment, and two 

Maine coon cats.

I can't stop thinking of

Local coffee shops and

Hot chocolate, writing a

Book in my

Spare time.

I can't stop thinking of

Going to college,

Eating without guilt,

Not hating myself,

And bubble baths.

I can't stop thinking of

The chick-flicks I'll watch,

Of the pizza I'll eat,

All the sunrises I'll see,

And the Love I'll have.

I can't stop thinking of

The dogs I'll pet,

Of the job I'll have,

Of the music I'll

Listen to.

I can't stop thinking of

Spending time with my Mama,

Of eating corn dogs with

My brother in the

Safeway parking lot.

I can't stop thinking of

The music I'll create,

The February snow,

The hope, and the

Future I'll have.

I can't stop thinking of

How maybe, sometimes,

Life might actually

Be worth

Living.