Truth

I wish I got hit

Why?

Because for some reason

The words: useless, pig, animal, fake, stupid, whore, failure

Are not enough to leave a bruise on my arms

So someone could see that I am living in pain

Words can be cruel they say

But words can be more than cruel

Words can give you the motivation of giving you more of a reason

To take more than the average dose of pills that were prescribed

And for some other reason

When someone says:

“You can’t do it.”

“ You should just die.”

“No one will miss you.”

and you’re there

With the bleach in a cup

Ready to chug it down

It is you yourself that decided and wanted that?

When in that day

You were clear from negative thoughts

And that shadow rises up in-front of you

And spits that on your face

But it was you who wanted to commit suicide?

When in fact, you were gonna be a murder victim.

All three of workers tried

He spoke to all 5 that came in

My depression was identified

As a manipulation tool

To get what I want and for attention seeking

They all left telling me that my mom needs to be harder on me

The first  time he grabbed me and pushed me to the ground

The cops were called

They said he was a hard working and sweet man

They asked him about his hard working life

While my mom was asked if she was part of a gang, or had any tattoos or did drugs

They let him go

Even when I had everything video recorded

I could not win

I was scared

I was drained

I was anxious

I was at my level

I could not sleep and when I slept, I slept too little

I just wanted an extra hand to help him cut him out of my life

But they said it was up to me

Since the day I started therapy

I have had social workers in and out of my house

I use to tell them this, “ I am hurting and I am in pain. Are the cuts on my arms not enough to prove that even though I slit my arms can you not tell the thoughts that are echoing in my head are not thoughts my voice is saying, but another? I am not giving him too much power, how can i dodge the shots being triggered when it is pointed directly at my head.”

I’m slowly being buried, but barely.

Because I will not shut up about the abuse.

For that one bar left of stamina

That I am stretching out

So I can get heard and tell people

The thoughts people really have when they feel

That emotional/verbal abuse is just considered are not something you can walk away from

I admit that I feel this way

But this proves that my sanity is still there

I still have my fantasy that I will be free from it

And I am hopeful for that day to become a

Successful reality