The Pub and Its People

Every town, village and city
Has a certain place I’d call the hub
I think you’ll know where I mean
Some call it a tavern, an inn or a pub

You’ll find so many characters
Whether the place is familiar to you
So I thought I’d spend some time
And describe a few to you

Firstly, we have the regular
You can set your clock by him
If one day he misses a visit
Everybody is worried about him

He sits in the same seat
And drinks the same thing every time
A double whisky chaser
And four pints of lager and lime

Next we have the walking encyclopaedia
A mine of information
If you check his facts on Wikipedia
It’ll cause him much frustration

Don't try to contradict him
Because he thinks he’s always right
He has a friend who takes him home
When there’s an inkling he'll get in a fight

There's that guy in every pub
Who can’t seem to be found
When it is the time
For him to buy a round

He’ll turn up when the round's been bought
And says he’s sorry he missed his turn
Then makes sure his turn is at last orders
When will his friends ever learn?

Then we have the smoker
Who goes outside to have a smoke
Gets his mate, a non-smoker
To keep an eye on his drinks and his coat

There’s always one clumsy person
Who’ll barge into you so you spill your drink
Then they go merrily on their way
Before you’ve had time to think

You stand there on the spot
Alcohol dripping from your sleeve
Then the perpetrator bumps into someone else
And they’re politely asked to leave

Some days you’re in the pub
And end up bumping into your boss
You’ve phoned in sick that morning
And for excuses you're at a loss

Your boss asks for an explanation
On how quickly you’ve recovered
Your face is red with embarrassment
Because you've been discovered

A group of yuppies turn up at lunchtime
Boasting of how much money they’ve got
Then loiter at the bar
While the barmaid pours out a shot

Sometimes they just have one each
But other days they’re there for hours
Taking turns wolfing down
Small shots of cherry flavoured Sourz

Odd times the pub will get a customer
Who asks for the best champagne
Then he settles for sparkling Perry
Because the high prices make him complain

Sitting tucked away in the corner
Is an elderly gent called James
He’s known the pub have ten different landlords
And five different pub names

He still pays the old pub prices
Because he’s been going in for years
He’s almost part of the furniture
He likes to try the new craft beers

Oft times the pub gets drinkers
Who are clearly under-age
So the one who orders drinks
Is barely old enough to shave

The barmaid asks them for I.D.
They walk away and slink outside
The oldest shrugs his shoulders
And says “At least I tried”

A woman who’s a regular
Says her energy bills have got higher
So she goes into the pub for three hours a day
And gets warm on the open log fire

The landlord sees people from all walks of life
In his pub everyday
They are colourful characters that light up the pub
He wouldn’t wish them any other way

So next time you visit your local pub
You never know who you might see
By the way, the person sat in the corner, writing away,
Yes, that’s me!