Anxiety and I

Here it is again. 

That feeling, them feelings, all that feeling.

So much feeling, I am unable to feel at all. As I sit there staring into emptiness, trying to soothe my emptiness. 

Trying to escape

Escape from what?

Me, Myself or I?

Anxiousness stirs as I'm lost. Sitting there knowing I should be moving. Knowing I should be doing something else, being something else.

I can not move.

My mind moves, that is always moving. Past, future, never now. Never present. 

I will do this tomorrow.

I should have done that yesterday.

Never now.

Never here and now. To ask about now. How do I feel about now?

Scared, lost, alone. That is too real. I can't escape from that. 

Think about thinking, breathe, don't breathe, breathe too much. Here comes the panic. The inevitable doom.

Escape? 

Escape where? 

Why am I escaping again? 

From what, from whom?

Well from me of course, thats who. 

Is this how it's supposed to feel, I mean to really feel? 

If its is, I would rather not feel. To be solid, to be stone, but then to be ridgid and cold.

I would still feel alone.

It's hard to write this down, to see it all. The broken pieces, black and white.

Clear as day, clear as mud. 

I have to try, and try I must. To claw my way into the clear, where it is lighter and not full of fear. 

I wrote this not to rhyme but the words just fit so nicely every time.

I wish words would fit as neat in my mind. I wish when I sat there, peace I could find.

Why is it so hard for some, or is it hard for all? 

Who knows when we have all built a wall. Who are we all pretending to be?

Who am I trying to be? 

My best version?

Yet I still yearn for that escape. Into what and why?

Why can't I just be I?

Not me, not myself.

Just I.