childhood prison

See my first sexual encounter was when I had been on this earth just a few months shy of a decade
At that age, i only thought about playing in the chucky cheese arcade
This man I believed to be my father figure nonchalantly asked for a back massage
"Sure pops, why not!"
Innocence blended with oblivion blinded me
He was one sided to me
The one man who only ever loved me so sweetly
Placed his, "what is that?" Ever so neatly, right between his rough as rocky roads legs
I got a bad taste
just by the smirk on his face
Now, we were the only ones home but I didn't think twice
Except once he took that first step out of the same bathroom my mother showered in, just ten minutes prior
No shirt, no pants, just a towel was between my undeveloped skin and his four decades of sin
The intentions in his eyes were just as thick, smoky, and uncomfortable as the nausea that suddenly drowned my 4'11 body
Trusting with every inch of my soul, I began
Attempts to "break the ice" were unsuccessful as the words were jammed in my voice box
Thoughts were racing, lips could not fathom the idea of forming any words
"Are you ok with this?"
I wasn't

You skipped over two bases in your game
Like you forgot I wasn't even a teen...yet
But how could it have slipped your mind
Let's rewind
I was barely 4 when you met me
Suffering from what idiots call "daddy issues"
My father ran away, like if I had said no to letting him eat ice cream for dinner
So he packed his favorite toy
He walked down a few streets and ended up over seas
Unlike most kids, we couldn't find him
So mommy gathered up our house and we moved on
It was all skips and giggles once my only sister and I blended with your children
Finally, a daddy and some brothers
So here we all are, six years in and
All hell starts to seep through
A few screws must've been loose, like your wondering fingers
Sandpaper like, rubbing up my skin
Dizzy every second of the torture
I wanted to yelp for help
You know the loud obnoxious scream you'd let out and your mom would reply
"Why are you screaming like someone is killing you??"
Like that, with so much more agony
You drilled into my undeveloped thoughts that you just...couldn't help yourself
I was so beautiful you just...wanted to love me, All of me apparently
But I wasn't ready
Pops how could you look into my flooded eyes and smile
Did you think I somehow enjoyed it?
The secret was nibbling on my insides
I flinched at your shadow
I shook from your deep breaths
I cringed at the thought of another day of life
If living meant having to deal with this distress
I...was terrified
Was that fun for you?

Every day was a struggle
An internal battle
To get out of bed
I wanted to sleep because it was the nearest thing to death
To leave my room because
It seemed as though your favorite part of the day was to remind me of my lack of control
Your smile was a mask covering the maliciousness imprinted in every wrinkle
"You are my daughter"
False, I am your prisoner
I obeyed the rules
Praying maybe he won't bother me today
But every day you became more daring
Mom was less than thirty feet away in the next room
You were at my doorway
Mom was sound asleep
Your demons were wired
Too many Cuban shots of coffee
Too many drops on a rollercoaster
Too much excitement to see me dead, inside
"Just take off your pants and lay there, you don't have to touch me"
I held my breath until you released your sins
Migraines developed from how tight I held my eyes shut
The last tap on my leg
The last sigh
Was dreadful
I knew it wasn't the last time I would feel filthy
Every new month you wanted to experiment something new
January - just hold it
February - let me rub your chest
March - kiss me
Once April came around, you left me alone
And then May, June
Finally came my birthday month, July and you must've been tired of waiting for me to hit puberty..
I was 12 already, I must've been ready
So as I slept off all of the cake I had on my birthday you crept into my bed
At first, you gently tried to wake me
When I turned over, I prayed it was my mom trying to give me one last gift
Suddenly, my pants were down by my ankles
Paralyzing pain took over my soul
You wiped my last grain of innocence off of the table
Every stroke felt like my last breath
I screamed, this time out loud
So you scurried to the bathroom and came back and stood at my doorway
"Did you have a bad dream?"

My nightmare didn't end when I opened my eyes in the morning
I could feel your filth smothering my soul
It was as if you marked my body yours
No matter how many times I scrubbed
You were apart of me now
Not in the way I imagined, in the most gruesome manner
I must've piled on your sins into my heart because it felt black and heavy
I hadn't hit puberty naturally yet
Still no breast
And barely any pubic hairs but I felt, old
Ready to shrivel up and I prayed to whoever was listening that I just wouldn't wake up one day
You had me feeling low
Like I was already in hell, every time I inhaled flames took over my chest
Forcing my smiles every single time I encountered another person
Mommy loved to rubbed my back just to comfort me
Instead I felt violated repeatedly
So I'd flinch at the idea of anyone trying to show me affection
Love just didn't feel the same anymore and you're to blame
Repeatedly I sunk deeper and further into this hole of worthlessness
Each and every time you touched me
Your hugs reassured me that you weren't just a bad dream
So I cooperated
Let me stay on his good side, maybe he won't be so rough next time
Let me pretend I'm ok with it, maybe he won't get excited when I cringe
Nothing worked.. so finally, I spoke out
But that must've been just been another dream cause in this nightmare, they didn't believe me
I was just a kid, kids make up stories right?
This kid was naturally numb by fourteen
If I didn't think about it maybe I can deal with each new day
I tried being intoxicated every day for a year at the age of fifteen
I tried being on cloud 9 every night at the age of sixteen
I even tried taking all of my iron pills, allergy medication and a handful of ibuprofen at just seventeen
Exhausted, I knew that if I did not grow the courage to end this, I was going to end my life
But god kept me here for a reason I now understand
All I had to do was open my small mouth and say no
First time I whispered under my breath
"No, I don't want to"
You shook your head and begged before walking away
IT WORKED
Next time, "I told you no!"
Less begging, more starring
Finally, "if you try again I'm going to tell"
And the starring just gradually faded
I could feel my soul trying to rejuvenate
So yes
My story dragged for roughly seven years
I lived with this fear of failing my family for roughly eleven
Before I hit eighteen I had done things sexually that some people my age were just discovering
At least they get to make their decisions at their leisure