Part I
You were broken. Your brokenness broke me.
My eyes leaked more than once, trying to fathom such losses.
I read your pains, as you publicly mourned your distress, hoping that writing was good therapy for you.
How could I not reach out? I had loss, too. I never even got to share all of my loss, but that's for later.
Your hand reached me, begging to know how I could have tasted a similar pain.
Two damaged hearts, devastated by unspeakable circumstances; surely the one could speak light to the other that was still so openly bleeding!
A special friendship blossomed. Funny quips and sarcastic wit, charming and chivalrous, even asking permission of my husband to be my friend and speak to me. That was honesty and accountability that I could tip my hat to, because this Bumpkin doesn't play.
Lots of messages.
But that's okay. I understand loneliness. I understand pain.
I revised my "angelsmoke" poem, special for you. You said she died in August, and her eyes were hazel green. Other people had written you poems, too. They broke for you like I did. Respected you. You asked me if I had ever seen a cowboy cry.
That lonely person just wanted a pen pal. A text buddy. Someone to talk to. Maybe I didn't have time for that, being a mother and a wife, he said. Maybe a single friend could fill the space, he asked.
Hours of phone calls. At first, ok. I understand loneliness. I understand pain.
PART II
I asked my single friend if she was looking for a special project, my friend's words, not mine.
No. Not even close. Her heart's too tired. Too tired for a pen pal. No special project. No internet men.
I continue to speak to my broken hearted friend. My ears open, mouth closed mostly. I figured he just had lots to say, bleeding so openly of two daughters gone, two wives, too. I'm sorry my single friend doesn't want to talk to you. By the way I've noticed whenever someone else is in pain, you bring it back to you.
Lots of messages. Rapid fire. Dozens.
My friend is speaking to many women. He says he's still lonely. Really wants to talk to my single friend. He believes she needs convinced. She only says no because she doesn't understand how he can fix her. How she can fill him. He writes her a poem. Asks me to ask again.
Lots of messages. Rapid fire. Dozens. Daily. Phone calls.
His grieving heart fills with fantasies of a relationship with her. Asks many questions about her life. I tell him some about her. Big mistake. How does he have the time to do all of this, with so many horses and children and grandkids. Besides, he's romanced two women just two weeks apart. Gosh, one has fallen off the map. Now he's hitting on someone else...
Lots of messages. Rapid fire. Dozens. Daily. Demands phone calls. He's maxed out his messages.
I'm starting to not understand this loneliness. To not understand this pain.
PART III
She said no. No really, my single friend said no. I have to get off the phone. No really, I have to get off the phone. You can't "fix" her. She doesn't want to talk to you! Another woman off the site. What am I going to do?
Lots of messages. Rapid fire. Dozens. Daily. I HAVE to call, he WON'T wait. Please stop leaving comments on my poems for me to erase!
I'm sorry the other lady said she was through. I'm sorry she said you were forcing yourself on her, and that her kids said it, too. I'm sorry but I will not ask my single friend AGAIN about you! Stop saying you will drive yourself off a cliff! I hate that you're hurting, but why would you hurt ME that way? If you really end your life, what will I say?
I'm scared of this loneliness. Scared of this pain.
PART IV
Do NOT put an ad for my single friend in our local paper. You will scare her to death. No, that's not a sweet gesture, that's freaky stalker stuff. No I will not help with that, I've had enough. Oh good, he says I know her best. He's decided to just give it a rest. I hope he relaxes. I'm still thinking about that cliff, so I pray. Notice he's on here nearly hour on the hour, every single day.
Choking on messages, about to give up.
You say you got a text from a NC girl, thought I had come through, convinced my friend to talk to you. No friend, she said no twice remember? He says this one's a cowboy groupie, does what he does interest women so much? I tell him maybe there aren't many cowboys that are in touch with their feelings. That's cute, but wait... did he just say he placed the damned ad?!
Now I'm just scared. Angry. Messages in my face.
He jokes about the newspaper lady's thick southern drawl. I'm about to throw up. All boundaries crossed. I must end this all. He tells me he's desperate, he's about to blow his brains out. Manipulations, abuse...this is a song I've heard before. He expects me to show it to her, calls her a line to a drowning man...he doesn't even know what she looks like...
Just scared and he won't stop he says
I think he's not good enough I
offered water to a drowning man I
tried to sell her to him and then expected him not to buy I
am wrong about him I
don't think his religious beliefs make him good enough I
have said awful things about him I
insinuate worse I
gave him no option I
now feel lonely. I am in pain.
PART V
Backhanded apologies, insinuating MY wrong.
I'm hurt. I'm tired. I can't comprehend. What happened to my broken hearted pard, my friend?
Insults. My little Appalachian hill folk clan. Dirt bag. Rat. Picking on my faith through fusions. Backhanded comments. I think I'm better than WHO?
Blocked. Didn't do any good. He made a new profile to continue this ruse.
Curious... some things don't add up. How could I not see? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just me.
Could I have been so blind? Narcissist traits...thinking of oneself as a hero, a one-of-a-kind special person, self important, always brings everything back around to them, believes others can't survive without his magnificent contribution, the "it's all about me" syndrome, the problem is always with you, deny responsibility, make others feel confused, keep them off balance, requires excessive admiration and works hard to get that by enforcing his uniqueness and super flattery...
Google next. Image search. He may own horses, but these do not belong to him. Really feeling stupid about my pard, my friend. Stock images of horses. Alaska, too. Searching for more, hoping it's not true.
That awesome Charger, and what's under the hood. Lead me to the sites where he posted it for sale. I thought he adored it. Oh well...I have an address and names.
Furious. I died inside over his losses. I know I'm not alone in that. What the hell do you mean his first wife is alive and posting on facebook??? And why is his daughter tweeting about being the child of a narcissistic parent, and how the JW's cover up abuse? He posted on a previous poetry site before. He said Michelle was 28 and his mom died? Wait...here's an article about an accident says she was 21 in 2014 and he was 56? He said 50. Then 56. He's 59. What is truth anymore!
That wasn't my pard riding that horse! It was a still shot from youtube, of course! My heart can't take it anymore. FURIOUS! FURIOUS!!
Today he posts a photo of cremains in a postal package. I blow that image up. April and July dates? Who was that? He said she died in August, and was dreading the upcoming anniversary of that death. Remember my poem? What is truth ? He said I had dodged a question. He's dodged a few.
Reader, I do not know him. I guess I never knew.
But now I have made either friend or enemy of you.
This is my truth.
Check for yourself, as you see fit.
He will have a ready answer. I guarantee it.
-
Author:
Heather T (
Offline) - Published: July 28th, 2017 16:36
- Comment from author about the poem: I can tell you right now this is the most yuck thing I have ever written. It\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s not a poem, and please don\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t insult prose, either. It\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s my heart purged, banging this out over the last little bit. It seems to be the day for purging. It\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s horridly long, but I told what I could as short as I could.
- Category: Unclassified
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- Users favorite of this poem: FredPeyer, malubotelho, HChristian74
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Comments18
Heather,
I admire your strength, courage, and honesty!
I know you did not want to bring all this into the open, but I am glad you did.
The purpose of this site is for writers to share their work, not for old guys to harass women or try to pick up girls. It is wrong, may even border on the criminal and gives us other old guys a bad name!
Heather, I for one am with you and with anybody else (heard of a few) on this site who have been harassed. Enough is enough. No more harassment, no more lies, no more inappropriate language to ladies and girls, no more cowboys.
Nicely said, it's sinking in and I feel portrayed as a man, or something like that!
On a happy note I love my bike 😉
I've got my own road
I hope everyone understands that there is zero joy in this. None. I would much rather have kept the cowboy I knew. The one on the screen, anyway. You are a true friend, and I appreciate you.
I know, Kat. Everyone did. Some still do. I do wish him healing and some kind of recovery. He mocked me for not forgiving him. I can forgive, but it doesn't mean to continue to allow someone to mess with people or to continue walking with a person. My Bible also tells me to guard my heart and to be wise. Love you, girlfriend. Women should not have to keep secrets that hurt!
You guys rock in so many ways. Thanks for everything you've done. I know it wasn't easy.
Dam it! My gut told me this from day one!
But I said I was doing it again, being judgemental seeing my stepfather in everyone and thing.
Thank you for helping with this lesson of trusting that feeling, and trying to not go back to that place where I trust no one's words but I'm still a bit in shock too, as I shed tears for this pain and then helped in some way.
So many emotions at once I don't know where to start! Most that it sets a bad example for people to know who to trust.
Thank you so much for your open heart felt words.
They mean alot!
I'm so sorry about all of it. It was sickening to do. I feel the kind of lighter that people feel when they throw up. Not very many people have commented, so I'm not sure how all the chips have fallen. Thank you for your words.
E.M.T=love it
We all play our game to the best of our ability!
What a sad commentary on a disturbed individual who took me in as well, though I did wonder about his unending pity party. I became aware of the accusations, but withheld judgment until confirmation like this. Condolences to all the compassionate ladies who were the victims of his illness. Shame on the man who deceived us all for so long! Thank you so much, Heather, for this brave poem.
Louis, I don't feel very brave. Just really broken hearted. And worse to know there are more, you know when you suspect but hope it isn't true? Thank you for commenting.
I share your sadness for all players in this sad drama.
Not that it matters any more or less, but I asked if there was an obituary. I can still view my fiance's online. He assured me there wasn't one because she didn't want any of that stuff. He had a picture in his gallery that said it was the announcement that went out at her death. He made it himself. I saw him tell Malu that he could show anyone the obit. Best of luck finding it.
I've only just read this and, as a man, I feel betrayed. Everything I could say has been said above. Stand strong Heather and please please don't let it stop you posting your wonderful poetry.
I won't, dear Michael. I feel so badly for everyone. He's taken down all of his photos. I saw him tell onepauly that he's getting married the first of September. I hope it isn't true, and certainly hope it's not who I think. It's all sickness, and nobody's a winner.
So pleased to hear that Heather - he really is a tortured soul but there are no excuses...!
Agreed with Michael on this. I feel betrayed as well. I feel sick over it. It certainly explains the "poem" he posted regarding a death certificate. I found that weird, but did not know any of this backstory. Honestly, now I know where the weirdness lies. Ugh! So sorry you went through this. I celebrate your kind and compassionate heart even as I vomit at the thought of what he's done. My prayers are with you. <3
Like Michael I have only just read this and I too have been taken in by him. This is a very brave and strong write and has shown the truth to many of us. I admire your courage and wish you all the best and look forward to more of your poetry.
I appreciate your support so much. Dear Kat was the first to expose his treatment in an earlier poem, then YumnaKay in comments. So many had been hiding questions, harassment, and secret fears. Sick business, but lightening to unburden.
I've now got up from sleeping on this, I wrote so much down last night, as if I was 15 again. I can't believe one person would do this, there is a bigger lesson for me I'm struggling to see it, all I can think of I should of said it the moment I saw it all that time ago.
The hardest thought to let go of last night, was that I felt like I backed him up!
Thank you again for letting this all out
I've been online, as have most of us, in a variety of social platforms for years. It took me a few weeks after joining to start to pick up on the funny business. Most of his agenda was aimed at women, so you wouldn't have noticed as easily. I don't think that taking someone at their word makes us wrong.
If anything it makes him worse, imo. Narcissists are good at what they do. He was a mosquito and we were his lunch. Please don't beat yourself up. Nearly all of us adored who we thought he was at some point. Let's just agree to take care of each other.
All I can say is that I've got very confused and could not believe in the beginning that was the same person you were talking about. I've been busy with three birthday party this week for family members and was not coming here much. As for the pitbull story I even say I carry a device to keep the dogs alway. I'm thorn. He was the first person to welcome me with comments. It is just sad, very sad. I could never tell it would happens here. I'm passed.
I'm so sorry Heather, for what happened. Really sorry.
It's alright, Malu. He packed up his hat and horse pictures and rode out of here. His point in being here was to charm everyone and beg for pity to feed his need for constant attention.
He was a liar. I guess he thought his charm would disarm and distract everyone from inconsistencies. Our young women are safer today. Unfortunately, our admin wouldn't do anything. He was reported more than once.
Hugs to you, dear lady.
Thanks, hug you back.
I'm utterly shocked. It took a lot of courage to share this and even more to do what you did for him. Thank you so much. This just makes me question if anything he said was true. I apologize that you had to go through that.
I apologize for the unpleasantness, PB. It's so hard to say. I don't know what was fact. When someone lies like that, it casts a shadow on everything. It's strange with him gone, but I know some people that do feel lighter. Thank you for commenting!
I'm very sorry for what happened to you. I'm as shocked, as we all are. We just need to stand tall together on this site and take care of one another as you said. Thank you for sharing this.
Yes, we will take care of each other! Thank you for your support, Hopey. There are always better days.
Well done for calling him out on all of his B/S. What a knobhead.
Gross but necessary business. Thanks for the support, Ed
In a Psalm somewhere is: 'Fearfulness has surprised the hypocrite'. It happened on another site - another person, but without the religious side to it.
Oh yes, I know that one. It's in Isaiah. They had the guise of Godliness but not the power of it. I'm sure this sort of thing isn't uncommon, but it's the first time in all my years I've dealt with it in exactly this way.
Hey Heather T. I haven't been on the site for awhile. Busy summer. I am proud of your courage. Sorry you had to deal with such a creep!
What an awesome screen name. I appreciate your support very much! There several on here that had issues and exceptions to this man. Hopefully it's over.
I just posted something, a poem about his, in which I mention strong women. You, Kat and others are those women! I really do support you and hope you are feeling better! Great job!
Thanks for the compliment too Heather T!
I am speechless with shock after reading your outing of this person dear Heather - I was taken in wholly as were so many here - - better not just forgotten that we have been taken for an intended ride but to learn once again that a soft heart is sometimes abused - -
so sorry for you and for your friend - and bravo to have written the circumstances clearly for all to see - - please do keep up your writing as your talent is special
Thank you, Fay. I just want to see it all over. No fake profiles, no sneaky poems, no pity peddling. Maybe we can all breathe a sigh of relief.
Shocked. i was totally taken in too and very sympathetic to his sob story. Full marks Heather on this exposure. As an older man, and on this site for only just over one month, i feel embarrassed that any of the lady poets who's work i have commented upon, could be thinking i am potentially another in his ilk. Sick men like that in our society have allsorts of knock on repercussions. It never occurred to me such underhand things could be going on. Shocked and disturbed.
I don't believe anyone has thought such a thing of you, dear. I understand how it makes you feel, though. I don't know how much, if any, was truth. A shadow cast over it all. Hopefully we can be rid of the whole sordid mess without more sneaky pleas for pity.
Wow!!! I am so sorry to hear this. I am saddened and disgusted by it. I, too, bought all of the pain and the sadness and encouraged him to keep writing and tried to console him. I think many of us on here did, and to hear that it was all a ruse and that he's a fraud leaves me feeling emotionally violated. I can only imagine how it has left you being that you let him in much more than I did. Wow! I am left stunned...horrified even. Thank you so much for sharing this with the community. It was extremely brave of you and...IT NEEDED TO BE HEARD. While I believe the majority of people really are sincere, it is a shame that others exploit the kindness and compassion of others for their own twisted designs. He's desperate, no doubt about that, but the kind of help he needs is not the kind any of us can give. Again, I thank you and I look forward to reading more of your work.
I can't agree with you more. I apologize if you are just hearing this mess. I can't say how much, if any, was true. I can only account for what I discovered online and the testimony of others varying tales. I don't think Robert fully understood that much can be found online. A horrid pile of manure. Hoping it's all over now and we can all move forward wiser.
Yes, I was just filled in a bit and pointed in the direction of your post. No need to apologize. "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." The truth, as I see it, always comes out eventually and it is good to know...no matter how painful it might be. Thank you for sharing. Indeed, we can all move forward a bit wiser.
Well dear lord, you think you know a person. First of all, let me say, that who I have told and shown to be myself is really who I am. Geez, you'd think that with all these dating apps, people like us could write and share our philosophy in peace. I'm ashamed to say that I too gave him the benefit of the doubt. Nothing he ever said made any sense to me. His story always had a hole in the plot. Well, that hole apparently turned into his own grave. I didn't know the man for long, not nearly as long as you, or the others. You went through so much more than the new additions to the site did. I feel especially bad for the women we have on the site. You guys are the real heroes. Heather, thank you for your service. This "Rant" as you call it is poetry in my eyes. You did well. I got here late, VERY late, but still, I'm glad to know what actually transpired. It makes me sick that I just shamelessly laughed it off when you all were dealing with it on such a larger scale. I'll do my best to be a better member of this community from this point on. Thank you, very much. For your time, your suffering, and the loss that you felt by hearing what sob stories he had to tell. You have my gratitude, and my empathy. Let's all move past this and enjoy our writing.
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