Depression

Depression

Depression is that hole inside me that slowly eats me up

Yeah that thing that can kill

That thing that has killed

That thing that makes my feel so useless and alone

Yeah thats right

Alone

I am alone

My anxiety makes sure of that

Wait anxiety

That thing that makes me so insecure

That thing I can’t get rid no matter how hard I try

That thing I can’t compress

It’s like a demon in my chest

They say with every demon comes and angel but where is my angel?

Angels aren’t real

Real

The simple definition of a simple word that seems so fake

Fake like these lies I tell

Lies I tell people to get them to leave me alone when depression hit

It takes you in the night

It cooks you up till you try to escape into the bloody night

Blood

Blood is red

It tends to come after depression is done

After it has eaten you up and snached you away

Not all can escape

Like not all can escape assault

Physical assault

Sexual assault

Memories leading back to assault

The pain that comes with memories

Pain that comes with the knife you're holding up to your wrist

Or the rope around your neck when you just can’t take it anymore

That pain in your chest after a heartbreak

Heartbreak

That feeling when someone rips out your heart and throws it away like it was nothing

Just another monster in my world

Just another monster hiden in my closet

That closet where I keep my darkest fears

But back to assault

The incident that stole your innocence

Crushed you little heart that someone so close would do such a thing

That such a kind soul could turn into such a horrible monster

Kinda like you

Depression, Anxiety and assault

All things that have turned you into the monster you are today

This being

This feeling starts to fill you up

The feeling of nothingness

Not living just barely surviving

Not even that

Just existing

Surrounded by darkness, one of depressions closest friends

Friends

Like the ones that left me when things got rough

Or the one friend that stood by me until I pushed them away

Because people never change, they become more of who they are

Who you are

I am simply a human without purpose

Purpose

I don’t have one

Or maybe my purpose is not to have a purpose

Or maybe i’m just not meant to be here

Maybe i’m just a mistake and I wasn’t meant to be here at all

Mistake

I’ve made many of them but is living one of those mistakes?

Am I meant to just disappear?

I know this place

A place I can go

The hook in my room, all I would need is more rope

The parking garage ten minutes away from home

Or maybe the cars passing by on the street

But cars are slow

And rope will break

And by time I get there it will be too late

Anything will do if it made me feel complete

Complete

What is complete?

Is it when you finish a problem

Or when your heart's content?

Heart’s

Such weird things

They beat even after they have been broke

But maybe something's there squeezing them forcing them to stay

Maybe my heart is done but can’t stop

Can’t stop

Like my assaulter couldn’t stop when he stole my innocence

Or like how I can’t stop when the blade of a cold knife hits my skin

Skin

Can be smooth or rough

Black or white

Clean or scared

Scars are like a constant reminder

A reminder like the ones on my phone

Reminding me that I am weak and I couldn’t keep going so I pulled out a knife

I tried a rope but I couldn’t tie it

I tried a cliff but I couldn’t jump

I tried a car but they were going to slow

Slow

Like my slow cold heartbeat when I fall asleep at night

But I don’t really fall asleep

More like I feel the cold drops of water falling from my eyes

Falling

I always feel like i’m falling

When I walk the halls of my school my heart speeds up

It’s scared someone might notice the water gathering in my eyes

Or that someone might try to talk to me and I won’t be able to reply

Talk

It’s all people seem to do

Whether they talk about you or to you they always talk

Sometimes it’s better not to talk

Talking uses words and words can hurt

Like the time you told me I was a disgrace and that I try to hard

Or like that time you told me it was all my fault

Or how I was being selfish when I pressed the gun against my head

It’s better to just stop talking

To stop hurting other

To stop being their problem

To just go away

That’s all I want is to just go away

To stop causing everyone so much trouble

To save my mom money from medical bills

But also to stop the pain I feel

The sinking feeling I get when I walk into a crowded room

Or the feeling I get when I cry in my room

Or when my demons come out to play

These demons in my head that grow stronger every day

Or the demons that made me pull the trigger on my last day.

 

-Violet Falls-