When it rains
I feel in pain
Cause while it poured
I felt so bored
But yet I am proud
That earth has all the watered clouds
All those cotton balls up above
Fill the ocean with great love
So while it may not glow
The rain will make rainbows
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Author:
Ed Ward (
Offline) - Published: May 4th, 2017 09:53
- Comment from author about the poem: For my final in english i have to share my writing and writing skills to an audience that is not the class and then receive feedback from it. so i would love to hear what people think. PLEASE comment
- Category: Nature
- Views: 265
Offline)
Comments5
Good write. What age are you?
I'm not a professional poet, but here's some comment - I feel you've captured the contrast, ranging from negative 'Oh no, not rain again' (1st verse), to positive: 'But we need rain sometimes' (2nd verse).
Also, 2nd verse has a few more words, as if the 'positive' is emphasised more than the 'negative'.
Then the 3rd verse: 1st line seems to be the negative (not glow). The 2nd line seems to be the positive (make rainbows).
The 3rd verse sums up the poem in a nice summary.
This is what I think. Hope it helps!
Thank you, and thanks for the comment. I honestly didn't realize the negative/positive contrast.
I see no need for changes .
Thank you
Welcome ED ~ thanks for your invite for positive critique ! Well you did ask ! Verse 1. Has Rhyme (aa bb) & Rhythm ~ syllable pattern 3444 ~ which is OK If I was writing this poem I would repeat the rhyme pattern (cc dd) ~ which you do !) in verse 2. but also the Rhythm Pattern (which you don't !) it is 5887 which is difficult to recite ~ I am a Performance Poet ! Even though V's 1 & 2 are quatrains it is OK to end with a doublet ! Again the rhyme pattern is consistent (ee) but the rhythm is different (66) It would have recited better if the final word had been singular RAINBOW ! You have some other half~rhymes RAINS & PAIN and PROUD & CLOUDS ~ Again i feel both rains and clouds could have been singular and NO HALF RHYMES ! Make those alterations and you will see it both reads & recites more POETICALLY. To learn more about Rhyme Patterns and Rhythm (meter) check any Sonnets and the poetry of JOHN BETJEMAN and ROBBIE BURNS. Most of my poems have a Classical Form (Anagrams ~ Pseudo Sonnets ~ Haiku etc) but please don't hoist me with my own petard ! What i have written ~ I have written ! I run Poetry Classes for Adults. Please accept my critique in good humour ~ OK ~ BRIAN (UK) Please check my poems ~ Thanks B.
Thank you for your input, although sense I'm not an expert in poetry AT ALL I didn't really understand at first but my friend who has an infinity for writing explaining it all to me and I will consider making those changes or at least the half rhymes.
The interesting thing ED is that MODERN POETRY has NO rhyme ~ NO rhythm ~ NO reason and it ignores all the rules of grammar ~ spelling ~ punctuation etc. Its definition is that a POEM is: Any words in any order ! There is even a WORDLESS POEM ~ with the title ANARCHY. Alas it is often these non~poems which win Poetry Competitions ~ like Tracey Ennim's unmade bed winning the Turner Prize ! I was educated as a classical Poet BUT even though replacing plurals with singulars in your poem in ungramatical it can be forgiven to restore the RHYME ~ OK Pleased you have a mentor ~ as "would be poets" we have to humble and willing to accept advice and positive critiques ! Yours BRIAN
Ed - a great attempt and clearly you have the ability to make great strides - all I can say is keep writing - I have sent a PM with a few suggested changes to provide metre and to address Brian's very excellent comments.
Thank you, I messaged you back.
This is a good write and can stand on its own without any changes.
As has been seen the rules of writing poetry are not necessarily followed in these modern times, I certainly don't; I feel that it is more important to get the meaning of what you want to write rather than follow any code of writing.
cool, Thanks
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