Age old china ball tree (Age old=cliché)
Adolescent angry men (no tranquility)
One hundred year war (Shocking)
(Ideas over imagery)
Ageless China ball tree (Oops! 6 syllables)
Hungry adolescent men (better)
One hundred year war (War monger)
Aged China ball tree
Wheat, soy, rice abundant fields
Picnics in the shade
Yellow China ball
Giant turtle under your branch
I ride turtle's back
The mighty live oak (Cliche)
Last parking space of summer (be more subtle)
My truck rests in shade
Moss laden live oak
Search heat scorched parking spaces (alliteration)
My truck rests in shade
Moss laden live oak
Heat blistering parking lot (not tranquil)
My truck rests in shade (what's subtle about a truck)
Moss laden live oak
Warm air mirages ahead
Roadside respite shade
Fall ripe apple tree (Fall is not subtle, try harvest)
Robin fledglings leave the nest (not easily spoken)
Fat worms run to hide
Harvest ripe fruit tree (fruit tree is overused)
Full fledged Robins leave the nest (alliteration)
Fat worms run to hide
Harvest ripened fruit
Young fledglings learning to fly
Fat worms run to hide
Joy
Deep
Harvest
Augustus / Houston, TX / June 2017
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Author:
Augustus (Pseudonym) (
Offline) - Published: June 6th, 2017 08:29
- Comment from author about the poem: This is another challenge, Haiku. Here are some of the "rules" I found: Traditional haiku calls for 17 syllables in 3 lines, 5 in the first, 7 in the middle and 5 to complete. (I found later that modern poets no longer go by these rules) There is usually a subtle nature or season reference (summer=those torpid days). Use the 5 senses to add feelings or capture images. Avoid metaphor, simile, rhyme and alliteration. In haiku dissimilar ideas are juxtaposed lending a deeper meaning or surprise. It should read easily, perhaps the 3 lines in a single breath. Focus on imagery over ideas. Avoid cliches. Brevity is key. Be wistful. The poem will appear unfinished. The reader will "finish" it as the 3 lines take on a deeper meaning to the reader. I don't believe I achieved any of the above and felt like a bull in a China closet. Subtlety is not easily achieved given the confines of 5-7 syllables. I was as wistful as a toilet bowl turd.They say walking in nature helps. I'm confined to an apartment. Anyway, I'll take you on my journey as I tried to improve the imagery of 3 poems. The 4th goes against all rules and I like the simplicity. Right away I focused on -ideas- (over imagery) which flopped. Also the only sense I used was that of sight. I hope to get better. What I learned is the extreme focus and thought that is required (at least for me) Here you can read my "poems" with all the warts. My plan is to read more Haikus to get a better feel for them.
- Category: Haiku
- Views: 78
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Comments5
Good writes A. Sometimes in my hymn-poems an extra syllable can be sneaked in, e.g. heaven can be 'heav-en', or sound like 'heav'n'.
Or some words may have extra long musical notes to them.
I'm not a professional at it. Oh, the technicalities! We'll lose sleep over it if it's not exact! lol
Thanks for reading and suggestions.
I like snafu's :
Mary had a lamb
The shocked doctor was perturbed
He ordered roast beef
Love it
Great fun reading this. To heck with the rules - just stick to the 5-7-5 format - the results are so much more varied and more fun. So there!
I am glad you enjoyed. I had so much trepidation posting what was obviously haiku novice work
Not novice at all - certainly no more so than mine - I ignore all rules except the overall format - will post some tomorrow if I can find them.
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I admire your courage giving Haiku a shot, Augustus. I wouldn't know a good one if I met it.
Ah, a honest man. I having been reading some by accomplished poets that leave me wondering. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Haiku can be challenging. As you probably know by now I don't follow the rules of poetry but strangely in haiku and senryu I do. With haiku I always use 5-7-5 and refer to the seasons or nature e.g.
As Spring nears Summer
I look out over my world,
Where deep snow hides spring.
With senryu it is the same 5-7-5 layout but concerned with sentiment e.g.
Stones thrown at others
Are easier to retrieve
Than the words you throw.
Good work though.
Thanks for the generous comment. My only research prior to writing these was a few google searches. I now have a book I'm reading. The 5 7 5 format really makes you think. I can understand why poets avoid it. I love your 2 Haikus and copied them. You will find this hard to believe but this morning I was fiddling with writing about a stone and if they remained in place there would be peace. This is what I came up with:
Peace over waters
Stones gathered at water's edge
Best remain unmoved
That is a good write and could be seen as either a Haiku or Sentry depending on the way one interprets it.
A friend of mine on another site reckons that she always thought in 5-7-5.
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